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p0ison1vy [userpic]

how can i save this journal to my computer?

September 4th, 2009 (03:24 pm)
melancholy
Tags:

current location: my room
current mood: melancholy
current song: mysteries of love - julee cruise

god, i want to delete this journal but i don't know if that would be right... part of me feels like i should save all the entries somewhere, even though i'm beyond too embarrassed to read them, right now.
is there an easy way I can save my entire archive of entries to my computer? like, without having to open each individual one?

I might open another online journal, but i'm not telling anyone the url, i don't want people i know reading it,
i might make it private, im not completely sure.
i think keeping a journal would be good for me right now, but i dont feel i can be completely honest on here, and i dont want certain people to know certain things. i need more annonymity. i might keep this journal alive though, for pictures, the odd update, and reading, I just need some place where I can sort my thoughts out...

and on the subject of advice, im considering getting a cell phone strictly for emergencies and work related things, a pay as you go sort of deal. anyone have any advice on the subject? i know nothing about cell phones

p0ison1vy [userpic]

how does one anxious freak meet another?

May 19th, 2009 (01:46 pm)
bored

current location: home
current mood: existential boredom
current song: black no. 1 - type o negative

I'm just checking in to ask if there is some sort of social networking site specifically for pathological, depressed, social misfits and losers/freaks? Like is there a MySpace for crazy weirdos? I've been googlin for at least a half hour at this point, but my efforts have been unsuccessful. the only results provided have been "how to avoid weirdos online"
DON'T AVOID ME! D:

Let me elaborate: I'm not looking for a support group, I'm not seeking boring conversations about my 'progress', medication, or whatever, and I don't want to listen to some irrational hyper-sensitive wimp whine about how they have no problems and yet are still soooo sad (unless they're a male and I can get oral sex out of it), and I would prefer not to spend months trying to convince some paranoiac that its okay to meet (I completely understand if you're nervous at first, but please not for whole months).
I just want to maybe talk to someone who can understand, to perhaps meet and form some sort of alliance, just so that I'm not so fucking bored and depressed when I'm not working (work appears to be slowing down right now).
Just a little distraction. You see, I haven't socialized with anyone since I got back from Nova Scotia in October, the only times Ive made real human conversation, were for a brief period in April when Gary decided he wanted to be friends again, and would phone me frequently, but of course that thing dissolved after a few weeks. It doesn't really matter though, I had no intention of speaking to him again, and he often gets on my nerves.

I'm not necessarily excluding normal well-adjusted people from befriending me, but realistically, why would a person like that WANT to be friends with a psychotic weirdo like myself? I never do anything, I'm still learning just how to fucking TALK, I have no skills, hardly any interests (the few I do have are pretty strange and obscure), no talent, nothing that really distinguishes me from others, apart from the fact that I'm weird and completely inept, and my obscure interests, which are probably deliberate anyway.
And at this point I have reached my capacity to endure rejection, one more will inevitably send me over the edge, I just cant fucking take people treating me this way anymore. Having someone around sometimes is like a shield, its a distraction.
and it would be nice if I didn't have to smoke up by myself, you know???

Its not as if I gave up at the onset, you have to understand that I wasn't always like this, I used to take chances and meet people, (including boys!) all of the time, but that didn't work, people didn't like me. Meanwhile, more people were intentionally and sometimes unintentionally making my life hell, I felt desperate just to find any connection, and I did, and I settled a lot, but those things end quickly, how can they last? not that I mind them.
And let me just state, I havent even WRITTEN about the soul-sucking bullshit I go through on a daily basis, I try\want to let it roll off of my back, and when people give me that "awww, honey" shit it only reminds me of how much of a misfit I am, and that the most I can expect from other people is pity and sympathy, never just understanding. Most of the time people don't care anyways, which is understandable too.

lastly, please don't recommend that I "just find a place where people who share your interests gather".
OH, why didn't I think of that?! Ill just get over my social anxiety, grow me some interests, go find that place, and talk to some person I don't know! That'll work, it sounds so easy! I must be a fucking dumbass to not have thought of that! Really.

I cant just TALK to anyone I want, have you heard my voice?! when i'm in public by myself and I have to talk to a male stranger, I fear for my physical well-being, as it has been threatened countless times, just because of the way I sound, which I cant fucking change no matter how much I try.

I am done. Note that I am completely serious in my endeavor to find a website for freakazoids like me, so if you know of anything, be a friend, and let me know. I already know vampirefreaks, although that's aimed for lame goth\emo kids, unfortunately.

So, I am going to the store now to buy some food, as we have none. And I will eat this food and try to comfort myself, because I live a great life! Don't I?? Thats all you fucking need, a positive attitude.
And then I will come home... and have nothing to do.

p0ison1vy [userpic]

I wonder if I can write a poem. I probably can't. oh well

April 1st, 2009 (10:57 am)
current location: the chair
current song: kate bush - this woman's work

Doped on glucose, disease,
And severe lack of sleep
Casting inane fantasies
over a future boding bleak
Nervus structures, weep
As I see
I am fated to drain my soul
forty hours a week...

Unwelcome memories
Arbitrarily recalled
The peace, I can't keep
Thrust out from my reveries
to where the hollow grows deep
claustrophobic veins, I feel
Saccharride and Cortisol
maul for their place in my brain,
I shift and stir in my seat
from the swarming of pain...

I perpetuate existence
for my pitiful gains
Always looking out
at the world, with palms agape
Receiving only violence
and narrowly escape
I know
I won't survive the chain
I see it returning,
It comes for me again...

Projecting forth my prime,
and searching for a kin
or something that is mine
it fractures into pieces,
so I only keep it in.
One day I'll wake up changed,
I cannot predict when
Another day is only lost,
as I awake the same again,
So much precious time,
fractions of an existence
in it's interminable persistence
ceased, and released,
forever...

I haven't written something like this in years, I don't even know anything about poetry. but that doesn't seem to stop a lot of people. so... HAYY.
I am on the receding end of a sudden surge of shifts, and I'm happy to have 2 days off. although, i'm often happy to have any days off, I hate working. who wants to work?
But I've been doing a lot better at my job, all of my managers have been telling me I've improved a lot, to the point of becoming one of the most productive crew members. so that has made me feel better about jobs. for once my efforts are recognized! for fucking once! although it still kinda sucks, it beats McDonald's.

I've been meaning to post something for a while now, but I just haven't felt up to it... I still don't. In fact, this is pretty much all I will write.
Let me know if poetry is something I should never ever attempt again, if I should find a tall building to jump off of, or something sharp to impale myself with, etc. or whatever thoughts you have on my foolishly misguided attempt at poetry.
Oh, and if anyone in the Barrie area is interested in a cutting party, holla atcha gurl! i'm down. can't you tell?
I just want to get high and get hurt by someone, like those girls in Thirteen when they were huffing air canisters and punching eachother in the face. so glamorous, so beautiful. email me if you're down, earth_wind@hotmail.com
thanx, bye.

PS. Go see Synechoche, New York

p0ison1vy [userpic]

On being alone

December 11th, 2008 (10:15 pm)
confused

current mood: confused
current song: junior boys

I suddenly find myself in a strange mood and need some place to organize and release these feelings...

I know I've done a lot of complaining regarding this topic here-- the fact that I don't have friends-- haven't had close ones since I was in grade 7...
In high school I occasionally developed casual friendships that would last a few months and then dissolve. And then I'd be back at being by myself. I might have been able to save these friendships, but towards the end, when they begin to dissolve, I never see the point in doing so-- why bother saving a casual friendship? If someone starts going their own way, then I don't feel it's really worth it-- they will go on to find people who are more like themselves on their new path, friendships of more value because the connection is greater, and that is what always happens. If I tried to stick around I would inevitably end up a third-wheel anyways.

However, throughout the years, since graduating public school, I've had my close online friend Chenise, I thought that regardless of weather I managed to befriend people in the flesh, I always had her and that was the most important thing.
We're not friends anymore, when we got in that fight, I suppose that's when it really ended, but it had already been disintegrating for a while-- we were changing in ways that were beginning to render us incompatible.
And as I said, if I wanted to, I could save the friendship, I could start talking to her again, right now and try to somehow make amends. But I just don't feel like it, I still feel a lot of anger and negativity toward her, and despite how close we've been, and how beneficial our friendship has been-- I now feel like I'm really seeing things with clarity-- if I did decide to save the friendship, against how I currently feel, I still wouldn't have any real friends. I can't live my life waiting for someone to go on MSN, not anymore; I'm turning 19 in a couple of weeks, I'm going to be a young adult soon. I'm not sure if my best friend should be an online friend anymore, I just don't approach friendship the way I used to... It used to seem necessary, like food or water, I felt that when I didn't have a friend I had to go out and get one as soon as possible, it was difficult for me. But I think the desire for friendship over the years has caused me a lot more pain than it has the happiness it seems to promise.

Nowadays I just work, come home, read, watch movies, maybe do some art, go on the computer or play games-- the only kind of socializing I do is with my pets.
I actually don't care about it anymore, that is to say-- it doesn't cause me to feel lonely or depressed-- it used to, very much so. But I decided at some point that it didn't matter-- why is being social so important? why do I NEED to have friends? When I came to this conclusion, it felt freeing-- I don't have to feel so frantic, disappointed and frustrated all the time. I rationalise that we are all born alone, and we die alone, and the struggle to understand this reality is internal. So this journey is intrapersonal; socialising is only one of many means of stimulation. sometimes getting other people involved will even distract you from things that are truly of value...
But these past two days I've been wondering-- have I been wrong? Is this just another lame way to console myself?...
The thing is, I feel like I have to be right about this, because there's nothing I can do to change my situation-- Ive been trying for years. I can't just walk out the door and make a good friend, actively searching for friends doesn't work, neither does sitting around waiting for them to come.

So is it unhealthy, or is it wrong for me to have no friends whatsoever, and to not participate in any form of socializing? Should I still be trying to achieve these sorts of things? Or can I just say 'fuck em all' and have fun by myself, as I've been doing? Albeit this has almost always involved daily intoxication, though not necessarily. Certainly being sober today has allowed me to contemplate these sorts of things.

I am trying to fix things a little. There are certain things I need to change that are going to make me more confident, and therefore more able to go out and socialize.
Being alone isn't necessarily what bothers me, it's strange but it's the practical benefits of friendship that I really want, eg; having someone to come with me to get tested for HIV, someone to take pictures of, possibly someone to try things with (not sexually, just generally there are things I want to try, but not by myself) I suppose finding a friend for these types of things doesn't require any particular person, it could be anyone-- I don't mind casual friendships, as long as they're with decent people, I wouldn't turn one down if it came my way, as long as I respected the person. But oh, its difficult to find people who are interested in me and at the same time not profoundly annoying, I understand however, that this is something we kids with class just have to deal with.

what I'm really wondering about all this is-- am I insane for concluding that there's no real need for me to be social-- that I can live a satisfying life by myself? or, alternatively, am I slowly going crazy from being so isolated all of the time? sometimes I feel like I might be going crazy...
I'm probably not going crazy, nevertheless, perhaps I should get some therapy or something?

The problem with having no friends and being I guess 'antisocial' is that I never DO anything, and it makes me feel so lazy and useless. I should be DOING things, I just don't know what... sometimes I make art... but often I'm not in the mood. I want to take a course or so at some point, not yet though because I'm not sure if where I'll be a few months from now-- I could be in Guelph, I'm supposed to be, but I haven't talked to Gary in a while, I think he found my lack of conversation to be disagreeable. I kinda wish people knew that I don't mean anything if I don't talk much or respond much to you, I don't mean anything bad, most of the time I can't make the words come out so I just smile and try to exit as soon as possible. it's difficult being so introverted, but i've said that a lot haven't I...


Well, I feel a little better, I just got back from going out to buy a few things, got new work pants, hoodie vest, scarf, silent hill ps3 game (looks a little derivative, but i like the series), and a new baby rat! my new baby is very cute and social, and an albino. I have deemed him Krishna. I don't know why my other young rat Terr is still so timid, Krishna isn't nearly as timid and jumpy as him, and he's so tiny and young.

I think that's all for now.

Oh, and

p0ison1vy [userpic]

what iz eyez?

November 29th, 2008 (11:14 pm)
current song: song for the siren - cocteau twins

Got me some new eyez. I dont like them that much, theyre too dark for my liking-- in real life anyways. in bright light the color is intense, otherwise you can barely tell theyre in.
and here are some pictures of snow. i took them when the power went out and i was bored and a little scared.



Also I bought a ps3. I currently own Little Big Planet and Mirrors Edge. Im having troubles setting it up online, hope i can get it fixed soon. when i try to connect it says DNS error.
by now you might have noticed my lack of apostrophes; this keyboard is broken, apparently. whenever i try to insert apostraphes it gives me an È. oh well, we got a keyboard with our new computer.

new computer you say! well-- at the beginning of the week the computer crashed, I wasnt even using it when it happened, which is surprising. i just came home from work, went to bed, and the next morning my mom told me the computer crashed.
i tried to fix it, i even went out and paid 300 bucks for the xp software, because im an idiot obviously. that didnt work. so we went and bought a new computer last night! its not great, only about 600 bucks. but at least its newer, we paid the same amount for our last computer, but 4 years ago.
so I type this to you from a brand spankin new computer. The only things not spankin are, the keyboard as you can see, the mouse, monitor and speakers. i told her it would be best to just buy the processor on its own.

so now I have a new computer at my disposal, and an unused copy of windows xp. ill be hitting up kijiji and possibly ebay in the near future.

does anyone else find Agent Cooper from Twin peaks to be quite the saucy dish.


cause i totally wanna tap that shit. with my weiner.

you should also watch this video. Im going to run away and join these guys. if I ever get the opportunity, I will.

p0ison1vy [userpic]

Steffie's got it!

October 25th, 2008 (01:24 pm)
okay

current location: Barrie, momz house
current mood: okay
current song: uffie - dismissed

Hello livejournal,
You are ineluctably asking yourself, what has been going on in Stefan's life lately? Well, I would be glad to narrate such a tale! Hither, I will tell you my story.

The day after my previous entry, I nabbed myself a place in Halifax with an internet friend I'd met through some gay site, who I assumed was Indian because he had theretofore been staying in India studying with a yogi guru-- and well, he looks Indian. Surprised was I to find that he is but a mere Irishman! Surprised and puzzled, as he really does look Indian. In fact, I still think he is, he just doesn't know it. But I suppose I wouldn't tell my son if I was trollipin' my ass around Little India, either. I wish my mom was a slut :(

Anyhow, he had a nice upscale condo and a Mustang [Buddhist yoga teachers have such possessions??]  where I spent most of my time for about two weeks. I immediately called Gary, asking if I could come back and live with him, as he had been begging me to, before I left-- and upon rejection, promised that I could always come live with him if things didn't work out.
He talked it over with his roommate, and concluded that yes I could. I was happy!
But then a few days later he abruptly sent me an email, "I talked it over some more with my roommate and it's not going to work out, sorry." Dismayed was I! I couldn't go back to live with my mom, I would shit if I had to stay with my dad, I had run out of friends in Nova Scotia-- I just couldn't stand being there anymore! But, I decided I would have to make things work, and live with the decision I made. I spent the two weeks at this friend's place responding to adds for roommates, tenants, and jobs. I got a response immediately from a Tim Hortons, the manager however said that I could have the job once I was settled down. I was confused and indifferent, as I didn't really want a job there anyways, I only applied in case all else failed. Finding a room was a larger issue, however. I viewed a few places, responded to about a million adds, still didn't have much luck. The girls at my first viewing seemed really cool, I guess they didn't like me though, I got a vibe. I'm too weird for random people to want me as a roommate. Nobody wants some weird guy living with them.

After the week or two at my friend's place, I had to leave, as this friend was leaving for New Zealand, for more Yoga training. But I had not nabbed myself an apartment yet, and I had no more friends to stay with!
My last resort: Kijiji! I posted some adds on there "18 year-old boy needs a place to stay for a few days" got a few responses, mostly from crusty boy-hungry old men, and a few responses from people looking for a roommate. I ended up staying with one of these crusty boy-hungry old men-- I'd say he was probably around 50, named Junior, although I don't think that's his REAL name.
I was forthright in my unwillingness to do anything sexual with him, and made it clear that I had no way to compensate for my stay. He was okay with that, and he turned out to be a pretty nice man, and the stay was helpful. He sat at his computer jerking off a lot, assuming I, in my room was unaware. Hah! I've jerked off at computers enough to know when someone else is doing it. He also has this little 16 year-old 'friend' [part-time hustler, I believe] who would come around sometimes. I don't know why this kid hang's around that old man, he was hot. I'd pay for that shit any day. Hollaaa. Junior tried to convince me that this kid was jealous of me being there, as if he had feelings for him. Yeah right, more like he's just a regular 16 year-old who doesn't always want to be harassed by some fat old man with a smelly old boner for him.
I had been bringing my rat Walter around with me everywhere this whole time, mind you. He seemed to enjoy Junior's place the most. I suppose because he had a lot of room to run around, and I often let him out, Junior didn't mind.
One negative aspect of this stay was that he didn't have a spare key, so when I went out for jobs and viewings, I would come home and have no way back inside for extended periods of time. Which were spent standing around listening to my mp3 player.

The last apartment viewing I made, the one I thought I'd take [the woman wanted someone immediately], was a little troll, or leprechan, or something. She was nice, but I couldn't help but be frightened by her appearance, and comrades, I am not a shallow fellow. She was very short, very fat, teeth: very far apart, hair: ratty, knees: unbendable-- she walked around by sidestepping, she would put one side of her body forward and then swing the other side to meet it. So basically she was a friendly little troll, who was obviously lonely and wanted someone else in her apartment as soon as possible. Her kids were all moved out, all she had was a 2-bedroom apartment and a caboodle of cats. The 'viewing' was mostly spent sitting in her living room, discussing cats. I had a moment, sitting in that chair petting her cats, where I realised: Nova Scotia wasn't for me, it was rejecting me, spitting me out! Nova scotia did not want me there, every aspect of my stay there had been telling me this!

So after the awkward task of politely ending the discussion of cats and segueing into leaving, I called my dad to ask if I could stay with him for a few days while I would look for a place in the GTA. His response was an infuriating yes; "yes, but you have to start being normal", to quote him. The specifications were: I'd have to change my appearance completely or he would not let me set a foot inside, I could not bring my rat, I would have to start acting normal, etc. He was telling me I have to start acting like an adult, he wants to be proud of me and I haven't made him proud, etc. Of course, this made me very angry, although I didn't express it. After this phonecall with my dad, I called a youth shelter, the following day went and talked to a nice, cool girl. I came again the following day as she invited me back, and she got me a room at a shelter. I went to the shelter, and... Well, it was nice, in that I got my own room, but I just felt that I couldn't do it. The other kids there just seemed to glower as I walked by, and if you know anything about youth shelters, they are extremely strict. So, I got my file, I got my room, sat in my bed for about a minute, and then left. I booked a train ticket back to ontario, and am now back home, in Barrie. For now, the agreement is that I will be paying some rent every month. 
Oh, and I never called or anything when I left the shelter and didn't come back. Which was bad of me but I don't know. I don't know why I didn't call to tell them I didn't need it but I didn't.

The train sucked. It was long, boring, and hard on the ass. Also, the locks on the bathrooms don't work. Thus an old lady opened the door as my naked ass was hovering over the toilet, penis aswing [I never sit in public bathrooms: germs, crabs, herpes, etc.]. She apologised profusely, I blushed profusely. That was the icing on the cake for my stay at Nova Scotia.

Now, I'm sure you're wondering, am I happy here? Actually, I am content. The day after I got back, I got a job at WIS International, as an Inventory Associate. The job itself is a lot better than Mcdonalds, although the hours aren't -- my wakeup times so far have been 4am, 5am, 6am, and there is no guarante for a certain amount of hours in a given week. Next thursday I believe I will be recieving my first paycheck, albeit a small one, as it will only be for about 4 days of work. I work later today actually, my first afternoon shift. I will start getting ready in about an hour. Another good thing about the job is that it starts off at 9$/ hour, with lots of opportunity to advance.

There is a little more to tell: Gary actually talked to me again a couple weeks ago, "Actually I do want you to move in with me now, my roommates moving out in December" so, now the plan is to move in with him after all, eventually. I would like to stay here in Barrie as long as I can because, shit, I don't want to be paying 400$ a month yet! I want to make as much money as I can here in Barrie.

Also, as soon as I got back to Barrie I bought a new baby rat to replace Perry, this time I made sure it was male. I have deemed him Terr after the main character in my favorite movie Fantastic Planet. He and Walter get along well, but he is very skittish and is still quite afraid of me even after a couple of weeks. I can't remember how I got Walter and Perry to trust me, it was probably that I smoked weed in my room a lot, making them mellow. So I guess the next order of business is buy a new smoking device, and some weedz! I plan on getting a vaporizer, got my eye on the Herbalaire. also, I plan on buying a Ps3.
Yestarday, I bought a low-end digital camcorder. Why, you may ask-- because I'm going to be an amateur porn model! No, I'm not kidding. Why not make MONEY from my n00dz? People see them for free already! TONS of people! One can make a LOT of money from this. Thousands of dollars in one month, just from taking nakie videos of yourself. I'm still in the process of registering, there's an aspect of my contract I don't understand, so I'm waiting for a response to a query, and then i'm good to go! I actually would like to register on a few sites for maximum revenue, as the sites take 50% of what you make.

That's all. I have a few pictures though, if you wanna lurkkkCollapse )
Friend trying on the shoes I bought her.

p0ison1vy [userpic]

Changed my scenery

September 23rd, 2008 (08:38 pm)
angry

current location: nova scotia
current mood: angry

I type this entry to you from the wet coast of Nova Scotia. Yeah, I've finally made it here.
Oh, and I fucking hate it. What was assumed to be the best choice I could make for living independantly, has quickly turned sour, and I'm realising now how silly I was to think I could suddenly just move all the way here.
My relationship with my best friend is no longer the same, as soon as I got here it was like we started over, and I realised that maybe I was wrong to move here for her, as opposed to just visiting. I made the decision to move here partially because visiting would have been too expensive. 
However, with my amassed experiences of Nova Scotia thusfar, and my friend flipping out last night, I realise that this really isn't where I want to live, and feel bad that I dismissed Gary so that I could be with my supposed 'best friend' over here. 

What happened last night was this-- I was downstairs cooking and talking to my friend after she got home from work, she went upstairs to the computer. She went into my private messages on facebook [without my permission] and read through my most recent conversation, she read something, and fuckin EXPLODED.

Let me explain what was said in this conversation-- well firstly you must know that earlier I went into town to buy a new electric shaver as I had been trying to get my hands on one ever since I arrived, and on my way back, the bus that I was taking abruptly stopped in the middle of the route, I was not aware that it didn't complete it's route at this time of day. Thus I had to make my way by myself, out in the sticks through various roads, back to the house I'm staying it, even though I really didn't know if I was going the right way. After at least an hour of walking I arrived back home and was ready to scream. I was getting so fed up of being stuck out in the sticks with barely any access to the city, where I was trying to find a place and a job. I went on the computer to check my emails and stuff, I got a message from a guy on facebook, we started talking. 
He asked me where I was staying, I said "i'm staying in chezzetcook and I fucking hate it" and I continued to talk about how frustrated I was with where I lived, I said "the house is dirty, they don't throw out their expired foods so it's like-- dangerous to eat the foods, and my friends grandparents always leave their booster toilet seats on the toilet and I always have to take it off."
that's all I said and, I didn't think that was wrong of me to say because, her and her mom are aware of all of these things, we've talked and jokes about it, I wasn't making fun of them and didn't mean to disrespect them or anything, I was just sick of being stuck out in the sticks where nothing's happening, and was venting.
Well, my friend reads this and comes out and says "I want you to leave as soon as possible, because I know what you think about my house and my grandparents. I read your messages."
which spurred quite an argument and, mostly swearing and yelling on her part. eg
"FUCK YOU! YOU'RE SO DISRESPECTFUL AND UNAPPRECIATIVE, YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING WE DO FOR YOU, NOT ONCE HAVE YOU SAID THANK YOU FOR ANYTHING" etc. which is not true at all.
I was caught off guard, I haven't seen someone so angry at me in a long time, and I trusted her not to go through my private messages while I was away from the computer. I have ALWAYS been polite and tried to show my thanks as much as I could, I DID say 'Thank You', whenever thanks was due-- I said I wanted to do something nice but I didn't know what, I was going to make them dinner but I was told they never ever eat dinner and not to worry about doing something nice. I bought my friend presents which in total were around 100$: 2 pairs of shoes, a purse, and a shirt. I fucking FLEW here and moved everything to Nova Scotia just because I wanted to be closer to her. What more do I have to do, what kind of fucking show do I have to put on do show how thankful I am?
What does it matter if I complain to someone that their house is dirty-- there are dust bunnies everywhere, I'm allergic to dust and have not stopped sneezing since I got here. She herself has said she knows that her house is dirty, and we live in a big mess in her room. It's nobodies fault, it's just claustrophobic to me, and I want to leave, not just for my sake but for everyone's sake here, because it's kinda crowded.
As for her rotten food, her fridge and cupboards are full of it, the other day we were looking for something to eat and she pulled out a tub of cream cheese that was BLACK with mould.

But she wouldn't listen to me, she just kept saying "fuck that" and telling me how mad she was. It was hard for me to respond well anyways because I'm really shy and I knew that nothing I could respond with in that moment would be right. So she stormed out of the house, slamming the doors and there I was. I wrote her i long, heartfelt note, trying to explain why I wrote what I did and how I do appreciate everything and have been showing it all along, but still today she hasnt even looked at me, just walks right past me. So now I have to find myself a place to go, I know a friend in Halifax who says I can crash with him, and after that, I dont fucking know. I don't think I want to live here anymore.

Gary was begging me to come live with him basically before I left, and I was seriously considering it for a while but I thought, best-friends are more important than what might be easier or convenient. Now I know I was wrong. I was never her best friend anyways, and moving her for her didn't change that.
So I've sent an email to Gary, hopefully he'll check it and respond, if not I will have to get his number somehow and at the very least, leave a message on his answering machine. I'm hoping with all my heart that I'll get ahold of him and he still wants me to stay with him, he made me a promise that if things didn't work out he'd always let me come stay with him. Bless him.

There is a chance though that I'll have to stay here. *sigh* In that case, well, I hope things work out. I don't want to be constantly reminded of the mistake I made in moving here...
Luckily I still have enough money for a plane or train ticket back to Ontario. Thank fucking god I had to save money just in case I had to pay a month's rent in advance on a place! On that note, I should probably check to see how much money I have.  bye

p0ison1vy [userpic]

hee. hoo. hee. hoo. one. two. one. two. pusshhhhhhh

July 10th, 2008 (09:45 pm)
current song: santogold

Do you ever have days where everything irritates you? Where every song is an assault to the ears, every friend just seems mind numbingly stupid, and all attempts at escaping the foul mood, futile? 
Okay, my real question is, don't you fucking hate being sober? Fuck, it's the worst.
God Grey's Anatomy sucks. Almost as much as being sober.  

Anyways,
I had babies.

Meet Walter

And Perry


They are cool dudes. At least I think they're dudes, Perry for instance doesn't appear to have any testicles... Or at least not yet, he-- or it, is still a baby. Everyday I cross my fingers so that they'll pop outta there..  If Perry isn't a male, I'll have a pregnant rat on my hands. And then what do I do with a litter of baby rats?? D:

Hmm, what else has happened since I last updated...
I got my septum pierced. 


And some cheap ass contacts.



Became a stoner



Tried Salvia. 



Got lost, got found, and I'll never be the same.

Also, I finished highschool... Became addicted to ebay. And am currently in the process of being kicked out by my mother.  
I'm leaving, and I don't know where I'm going yet. I'm happy to leave though. Everyday is a neverending blitzkrieg of verbal abuse from my mother, telling me I'm the devil, stupid, demon possessed, a pig, not welcome in her house, I need to pack my bags and leave right now, etc. All, unprovoked by me. Most likely due to progressing brain degeneration, as is only inevitable.
I'm aiming to leave at the beginning of August. However, I've barely gotten ANY hours from McDonalds recently, so I don't know. it depends on how much I save up. 

Anyways, if y'all haven't seen the movie Fantastic Planet, I highly suggest you do, it's my fav. Visionary.

I'm bored as shit and I don't know what else I'm gonna do.

p0ison1vy [userpic]

Oh, well wouldja lookit this?

May 8th, 2008 (04:39 pm)
angry

current mood: sober

It would appear from the rampant self-portraiture clogging up my hard-drive, that a peculiar 18 year-old boy has procured a job at Mcdonalds, and has also somehow managed to get himself a Canon Digital Rebel Xti.





Oh shit! It is ME!

p0ison1vy [userpic]

Bitches Ain't Shit

February 10th, 2008 (11:10 pm)
current song: Bitches Ain't Shit - by Ben Folds

Got me a new do

And a ferret!

Her name is Mouse

She poops a lot

To those of you who said ferrets couldn’t have an opinion on capitalist literature, I ask that you observe what Mouse has done to Ayn Rand’s We The Living.

In other news, whilst pursuing an escaped Ferret through the underground railroad that is this apartment’s electric baseboard system, I found 3 (unopened) LifeStyles condoms

and yes, of course I put them in my wallet for my own use, at some point, some day. They’re set to expire in May 2009; think I can get laid by then? Place your bets! My money’s on ‘no’.

In any case, they’re probably too big for my teeny weenie and will only fall to the floor like so many of my hopes and dreams, and I might as well just slice up my wrists and die right now because I suck.

Oh, and also! I suppose I should tell you something that is most hilarious and unexpected. Well, do ya’ll remember ‘Square Glasses Guy’ from yonder hallway? I used to have a big ol’ crush on him, and once in a while I’d write in my journal when I’d seen him, and furthermore of the subtleties and nuances of our (or, mostly my) awkward glances.

Anyways! He friggin added me to msn and Facebook! And we talked for a pretty long time on msn today, it was just unreal!

I know what you’re wondering, and No--- I have not told him that I have secretly christened him ‘Square Glasses Guy’ and have spent many a night dreaming arcane thick-rimmed glasses fantasises whilst biting my pillow/moaning. But yes, I do plan on telling him one day; I can only hope that he finds my creepiness endearing and unique, as opposed to creepy and terrifying. I can also only hope that he doesn’t know or find out about this journal. L_L He did ask me to hang out one day, and I said sure but that I am pretty shy, he said he is too.

I also found out that he is not in college, is probably not a genius like I thought he was, likes SOME good music and movies, and seems to smoke a lot of weed. Also, he’s living with his ex boyfriend, sharing a bed with him still!

In case you were interested, I have produced a new plan that is going to propel me into the very bowels of happiness; this plan is:

winning the lottery.

I know, why didn’t you think of it, right? Well, I just feel like since I’m now 18, I can legally buy tickets, and-- it’s SO unlikely and crazy, that it just might happen to ME. I mean, you never know! You never do! So I will be buying a lottery ticket as soon as possible; which lottery/s should I choose? Any suggestions? I don’t need billions of dollars or anything, even a small amount of money-- 1000$ would make me happy. So far someone has suggested I use Lottario, so I’m keeping that in mind.

Keep in mind that if you help me out with this and I end up winning the lottery, I promise to present a generous benefit package.

I have also officially decided that I am having kids when I grow up. If there is anyone in this world who should be raising other human beings, it certainly is I.

I am especially reminded of this when I look around at those who ARE having babies nowadays: rancid cumslut hollaback white trash ghetto girls who are all way too young and are gonna raise nothing but fucked up, dumb ass kids. I honestly am afraid for the future of the world if these kids are our future, so I feel I have no choice but to raise some decent kids. Well, more than decent: mega-kids! Remember that show Mega Babies? It was disgusting.

This might all be an effect of my pills though; ever since being on antidepressants a dormant aspect of my personality appears to have awoken; All I think about is animals, pets, and babies! Constantly! I just want a house full of animals and kids, I’m not even kidding. It’s all I think about.

Like-- I know what my true calling in life is! I finally know:

I’m a mom.

Someone impregnate meee nowww

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