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Changed my scenery

September 23rd, 2008 (08:38 pm)
angry

current location: nova scotia
current mood: angry

I type this entry to you from the wet coast of Nova Scotia. Yeah, I've finally made it here.
Oh, and I fucking hate it. What was assumed to be the best choice I could make for living independantly, has quickly turned sour, and I'm realising now how silly I was to think I could suddenly just move all the way here.
My relationship with my best friend is no longer the same, as soon as I got here it was like we started over, and I realised that maybe I was wrong to move here for her, as opposed to just visiting. I made the decision to move here partially because visiting would have been too expensive. 
However, with my amassed experiences of Nova Scotia thusfar, and my friend flipping out last night, I realise that this really isn't where I want to live, and feel bad that I dismissed Gary so that I could be with my supposed 'best friend' over here. 

What happened last night was this-- I was downstairs cooking and talking to my friend after she got home from work, she went upstairs to the computer. She went into my private messages on facebook [without my permission] and read through my most recent conversation, she read something, and fuckin EXPLODED.

Let me explain what was said in this conversation-- well firstly you must know that earlier I went into town to buy a new electric shaver as I had been trying to get my hands on one ever since I arrived, and on my way back, the bus that I was taking abruptly stopped in the middle of the route, I was not aware that it didn't complete it's route at this time of day. Thus I had to make my way by myself, out in the sticks through various roads, back to the house I'm staying it, even though I really didn't know if I was going the right way. After at least an hour of walking I arrived back home and was ready to scream. I was getting so fed up of being stuck out in the sticks with barely any access to the city, where I was trying to find a place and a job. I went on the computer to check my emails and stuff, I got a message from a guy on facebook, we started talking. 
He asked me where I was staying, I said "i'm staying in chezzetcook and I fucking hate it" and I continued to talk about how frustrated I was with where I lived, I said "the house is dirty, they don't throw out their expired foods so it's like-- dangerous to eat the foods, and my friends grandparents always leave their booster toilet seats on the toilet and I always have to take it off."
that's all I said and, I didn't think that was wrong of me to say because, her and her mom are aware of all of these things, we've talked and jokes about it, I wasn't making fun of them and didn't mean to disrespect them or anything, I was just sick of being stuck out in the sticks where nothing's happening, and was venting.
Well, my friend reads this and comes out and says "I want you to leave as soon as possible, because I know what you think about my house and my grandparents. I read your messages."
which spurred quite an argument and, mostly swearing and yelling on her part. eg
"FUCK YOU! YOU'RE SO DISRESPECTFUL AND UNAPPRECIATIVE, YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING WE DO FOR YOU, NOT ONCE HAVE YOU SAID THANK YOU FOR ANYTHING" etc. which is not true at all.
I was caught off guard, I haven't seen someone so angry at me in a long time, and I trusted her not to go through my private messages while I was away from the computer. I have ALWAYS been polite and tried to show my thanks as much as I could, I DID say 'Thank You', whenever thanks was due-- I said I wanted to do something nice but I didn't know what, I was going to make them dinner but I was told they never ever eat dinner and not to worry about doing something nice. I bought my friend presents which in total were around 100$: 2 pairs of shoes, a purse, and a shirt. I fucking FLEW here and moved everything to Nova Scotia just because I wanted to be closer to her. What more do I have to do, what kind of fucking show do I have to put on do show how thankful I am?
What does it matter if I complain to someone that their house is dirty-- there are dust bunnies everywhere, I'm allergic to dust and have not stopped sneezing since I got here. She herself has said she knows that her house is dirty, and we live in a big mess in her room. It's nobodies fault, it's just claustrophobic to me, and I want to leave, not just for my sake but for everyone's sake here, because it's kinda crowded.
As for her rotten food, her fridge and cupboards are full of it, the other day we were looking for something to eat and she pulled out a tub of cream cheese that was BLACK with mould.

But she wouldn't listen to me, she just kept saying "fuck that" and telling me how mad she was. It was hard for me to respond well anyways because I'm really shy and I knew that nothing I could respond with in that moment would be right. So she stormed out of the house, slamming the doors and there I was. I wrote her i long, heartfelt note, trying to explain why I wrote what I did and how I do appreciate everything and have been showing it all along, but still today she hasnt even looked at me, just walks right past me. So now I have to find myself a place to go, I know a friend in Halifax who says I can crash with him, and after that, I dont fucking know. I don't think I want to live here anymore.

Gary was begging me to come live with him basically before I left, and I was seriously considering it for a while but I thought, best-friends are more important than what might be easier or convenient. Now I know I was wrong. I was never her best friend anyways, and moving her for her didn't change that.
So I've sent an email to Gary, hopefully he'll check it and respond, if not I will have to get his number somehow and at the very least, leave a message on his answering machine. I'm hoping with all my heart that I'll get ahold of him and he still wants me to stay with him, he made me a promise that if things didn't work out he'd always let me come stay with him. Bless him.

There is a chance though that I'll have to stay here. *sigh* In that case, well, I hope things work out. I don't want to be constantly reminded of the mistake I made in moving here...
Luckily I still have enough money for a plane or train ticket back to Ontario. Thank fucking god I had to save money just in case I had to pay a month's rent in advance on a place! On that note, I should probably check to see how much money I have.  bye

Comments

Posted by: storm in a teacup (ladystefania)
Posted at: September 24th, 2008 12:43 am (UTC)

Man there is nothing worse than living somewhere you hate.
I hope everything works out and your friend calms down.

Posted by: ((Anonymous))
Posted at: October 6th, 2008 09:25 am (UTC)

Dear Stefan

So you finally made your move... well I am sorry to hear that it's not all that you expected it to be. I could have saved you the trouble, had I thought you would have listened, but you have your own mind about these sort of things, and it is seldom swayed by argument. Not to be presumptuous but I suspect you would not have heard what I was saying had I said anything regarding the matter. Anyway my experience is my own but that being said it has been my experience that living with friends seldom reaps anything but hardship, and conflict because friends need time apart to dream of one another, to distance themselves from each others problems. It is only with those we are intimate with, they who share in our conquest that truly give us more then support, and advice, and they are the ones we family, or lovers.
How do you act now with doubt in your mind, and the turmoil that you are facing with someone pushing for you to leave? You can stay, and try and make it work but such action will most probably lead to greater emotional unrest... who likes walking on pins and needles. My advice come up with a secret parachute a way to bail out if things are going down, and if the time comes when you have no choice but to walk... then walk. From A Guardian In Cyberspace... GODSPEED and Stay safe!

Posted by: ((Anonymous))
Posted at: October 6th, 2008 09:27 am (UTC)

*we call family

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