On being alone
current mood: confused
current song: junior boys
I suddenly find myself in a strange mood and need some place to organize and release these feelings...
I know I've done a lot of complaining regarding this topic here-- the fact that I don't have friends-- haven't had close ones since I was in grade 7...
In high school I occasionally developed casual friendships that would last a few months and then dissolve. And then I'd be back at being by myself. I might have been able to save these friendships, but towards the end, when they begin to dissolve, I never see the point in doing so-- why bother saving a casual friendship? If someone starts going their own way, then I don't feel it's really worth it-- they will go on to find people who are more like themselves on their new path, friendships of more value because the connection is greater, and that is what always happens. If I tried to stick around I would inevitably end up a third-wheel anyways.
However, throughout the years, since graduating public school, I've had my close online friend Chenise, I thought that regardless of weather I managed to befriend people in the flesh, I always had her and that was the most important thing.
We're not friends anymore, when we got in that fight, I suppose that's when it really ended, but it had already been disintegrating for a while-- we were changing in ways that were beginning to render us incompatible.
And as I said, if I wanted to, I could save the friendship, I could start talking to her again, right now and try to somehow make amends. But I just don't feel like it, I still feel a lot of anger and negativity toward her, and despite how close we've been, and how beneficial our friendship has been-- I now feel like I'm really seeing things with clarity-- if I did decide to save the friendship, against how I currently feel, I still wouldn't have any real friends. I can't live my life waiting for someone to go on MSN, not anymore; I'm turning 19 in a couple of weeks, I'm going to be a young adult soon. I'm not sure if my best friend should be an online friend anymore, I just don't approach friendship the way I used to... It used to seem necessary, like food or water, I felt that when I didn't have a friend I had to go out and get one as soon as possible, it was difficult for me. But I think the desire for friendship over the years has caused me a lot more pain than it has the happiness it seems to promise.
Nowadays I just work, come home, read, watch movies, maybe do some art, go on the computer or play games-- the only kind of socializing I do is with my pets.
I actually don't care about it anymore, that is to say-- it doesn't cause me to feel lonely or depressed-- it used to, very much so. But I decided at some point that it didn't matter-- why is being social so important? why do I NEED to have friends? When I came to this conclusion, it felt freeing-- I don't have to feel so frantic, disappointed and frustrated all the time. I rationalise that we are all born alone, and we die alone, and the struggle to understand this reality is internal. So this journey is intrapersonal; socialising is only one of many means of stimulation. sometimes getting other people involved will even distract you from things that are truly of value...
But these past two days I've been wondering-- have I been wrong? Is this just another lame way to console myself?...
The thing is, I feel like I have to be right about this, because there's nothing I can do to change my situation-- Ive been trying for years. I can't just walk out the door and make a good friend, actively searching for friends doesn't work, neither does sitting around waiting for them to come.
So is it unhealthy, or is it wrong for me to have no friends whatsoever, and to not participate in any form of socializing? Should I still be trying to achieve these sorts of things? Or can I just say 'fuck em all' and have fun by myself, as I've been doing? Albeit this has almost always involved daily intoxication, though not necessarily. Certainly being sober today has allowed me to contemplate these sorts of things.
I am trying to fix things a little. There are certain things I need to change that are going to make me more confident, and therefore more able to go out and socialize.
Being alone isn't necessarily what bothers me, it's strange but it's the practical benefits of friendship that I really want, eg; having someone to come with me to get tested for HIV, someone to take pictures of, possibly someone to try things with (not sexually, just generally there are things I want to try, but not by myself) I suppose finding a friend for these types of things doesn't require any particular person, it could be anyone-- I don't mind casual friendships, as long as they're with decent people, I wouldn't turn one down if it came my way, as long as I respected the person. But oh, its difficult to find people who are interested in me and at the same time not profoundly annoying, I understand however, that this is something we kids with class just have to deal with.
what I'm really wondering about all this is-- am I insane for concluding that there's no real need for me to be social-- that I can live a satisfying life by myself? or, alternatively, am I slowly going crazy from being so isolated all of the time? sometimes I feel like I might be going crazy...
I'm probably not going crazy, nevertheless, perhaps I should get some therapy or something?
The problem with having no friends and being I guess 'antisocial' is that I never DO anything, and it makes me feel so lazy and useless. I should be DOING things, I just don't know what... sometimes I make art... but often I'm not in the mood. I want to take a course or so at some point, not yet though because I'm not sure if where I'll be a few months from now-- I could be in Guelph, I'm supposed to be, but I haven't talked to Gary in a while, I think he found my lack of conversation to be disagreeable. I kinda wish people knew that I don't mean anything if I don't talk much or respond much to you, I don't mean anything bad, most of the time I can't make the words come out so I just smile and try to exit as soon as possible. it's difficult being so introverted, but i've said that a lot haven't I...
Well, I feel a little better, I just got back from going out to buy a few things, got new work pants, hoodie vest, scarf, silent hill ps3 game (looks a little derivative, but i like the series), and a new baby rat! my new baby is very cute and social, and an albino. I have deemed him Krishna. I don't know why my other young rat Terr is still so timid, Krishna isn't nearly as timid and jumpy as him, and he's so tiny and young.
I think that's all for now.