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p0ison1vy [userpic]

On being alone

December 11th, 2008 (10:15 pm)
confused

current mood: confused
current song: junior boys

I suddenly find myself in a strange mood and need some place to organize and release these feelings...

I know I've done a lot of complaining regarding this topic here-- the fact that I don't have friends-- haven't had close ones since I was in grade 7...
In high school I occasionally developed casual friendships that would last a few months and then dissolve. And then I'd be back at being by myself. I might have been able to save these friendships, but towards the end, when they begin to dissolve, I never see the point in doing so-- why bother saving a casual friendship? If someone starts going their own way, then I don't feel it's really worth it-- they will go on to find people who are more like themselves on their new path, friendships of more value because the connection is greater, and that is what always happens. If I tried to stick around I would inevitably end up a third-wheel anyways.

However, throughout the years, since graduating public school, I've had my close online friend Chenise, I thought that regardless of weather I managed to befriend people in the flesh, I always had her and that was the most important thing.
We're not friends anymore, when we got in that fight, I suppose that's when it really ended, but it had already been disintegrating for a while-- we were changing in ways that were beginning to render us incompatible.
And as I said, if I wanted to, I could save the friendship, I could start talking to her again, right now and try to somehow make amends. But I just don't feel like it, I still feel a lot of anger and negativity toward her, and despite how close we've been, and how beneficial our friendship has been-- I now feel like I'm really seeing things with clarity-- if I did decide to save the friendship, against how I currently feel, I still wouldn't have any real friends. I can't live my life waiting for someone to go on MSN, not anymore; I'm turning 19 in a couple of weeks, I'm going to be a young adult soon. I'm not sure if my best friend should be an online friend anymore, I just don't approach friendship the way I used to... It used to seem necessary, like food or water, I felt that when I didn't have a friend I had to go out and get one as soon as possible, it was difficult for me. But I think the desire for friendship over the years has caused me a lot more pain than it has the happiness it seems to promise.

Nowadays I just work, come home, read, watch movies, maybe do some art, go on the computer or play games-- the only kind of socializing I do is with my pets.
I actually don't care about it anymore, that is to say-- it doesn't cause me to feel lonely or depressed-- it used to, very much so. But I decided at some point that it didn't matter-- why is being social so important? why do I NEED to have friends? When I came to this conclusion, it felt freeing-- I don't have to feel so frantic, disappointed and frustrated all the time. I rationalise that we are all born alone, and we die alone, and the struggle to understand this reality is internal. So this journey is intrapersonal; socialising is only one of many means of stimulation. sometimes getting other people involved will even distract you from things that are truly of value...
But these past two days I've been wondering-- have I been wrong? Is this just another lame way to console myself?...
The thing is, I feel like I have to be right about this, because there's nothing I can do to change my situation-- Ive been trying for years. I can't just walk out the door and make a good friend, actively searching for friends doesn't work, neither does sitting around waiting for them to come.

So is it unhealthy, or is it wrong for me to have no friends whatsoever, and to not participate in any form of socializing? Should I still be trying to achieve these sorts of things? Or can I just say 'fuck em all' and have fun by myself, as I've been doing? Albeit this has almost always involved daily intoxication, though not necessarily. Certainly being sober today has allowed me to contemplate these sorts of things.

I am trying to fix things a little. There are certain things I need to change that are going to make me more confident, and therefore more able to go out and socialize.
Being alone isn't necessarily what bothers me, it's strange but it's the practical benefits of friendship that I really want, eg; having someone to come with me to get tested for HIV, someone to take pictures of, possibly someone to try things with (not sexually, just generally there are things I want to try, but not by myself) I suppose finding a friend for these types of things doesn't require any particular person, it could be anyone-- I don't mind casual friendships, as long as they're with decent people, I wouldn't turn one down if it came my way, as long as I respected the person. But oh, its difficult to find people who are interested in me and at the same time not profoundly annoying, I understand however, that this is something we kids with class just have to deal with.

what I'm really wondering about all this is-- am I insane for concluding that there's no real need for me to be social-- that I can live a satisfying life by myself? or, alternatively, am I slowly going crazy from being so isolated all of the time? sometimes I feel like I might be going crazy...
I'm probably not going crazy, nevertheless, perhaps I should get some therapy or something?

The problem with having no friends and being I guess 'antisocial' is that I never DO anything, and it makes me feel so lazy and useless. I should be DOING things, I just don't know what... sometimes I make art... but often I'm not in the mood. I want to take a course or so at some point, not yet though because I'm not sure if where I'll be a few months from now-- I could be in Guelph, I'm supposed to be, but I haven't talked to Gary in a while, I think he found my lack of conversation to be disagreeable. I kinda wish people knew that I don't mean anything if I don't talk much or respond much to you, I don't mean anything bad, most of the time I can't make the words come out so I just smile and try to exit as soon as possible. it's difficult being so introverted, but i've said that a lot haven't I...


Well, I feel a little better, I just got back from going out to buy a few things, got new work pants, hoodie vest, scarf, silent hill ps3 game (looks a little derivative, but i like the series), and a new baby rat! my new baby is very cute and social, and an albino. I have deemed him Krishna. I don't know why my other young rat Terr is still so timid, Krishna isn't nearly as timid and jumpy as him, and he's so tiny and young.

I think that's all for now.

Oh, and

Comments

Posted by: Clearwater (clearwater88)
Posted at: December 12th, 2008 04:12 am (UTC)

i'll be your casual friend, and we can get tested for HIV togther one day, it's sad going alone, all these old people everywhere.

Posted by: p0ison1vy (p0ison1vy)
Posted at: December 12th, 2008 04:24 am (UTC)

that would be splendid.
you seem like you'd be hyper all the time in real life, is that true?

Posted by: Clearwater (clearwater88)
Posted at: December 12th, 2008 06:00 pm (UTC)

maybe sometimes if there's something to be excited about? we can all get a little hyper sometimes.
in real life i'm told i'm laidback, and "chill."

Posted by: ((Anonymous))
Posted at: December 26th, 2008 12:08 am (UTC)
You

I may have said goodbye to you in one way, however I have not done so with the certain totality that has nothing more to say, nor add to your life. True though it may be to my thinking that we will always clash more then meet eye to eye; I cannot in all good consciousness give up on some ever half present feelings that I should check in on you from time to time, and that just what I do. I Google p0ison1vy, and see how life's treating you but more importantly how your treating life.

From reading your live journal I have gathered in my mind a small sum of thoughts regarding you , and your entire outlook on life, but only so far as it can be understood from just reading your journal, journals do have there limitations, and because of this I do not claim to have an entire true understanding of you, but for that matter I do not claim to understand anyone entirely because who do we really know totally really?

I have this to say about what I think about how you think; of where your at. Discard all of it if you cannot see what it is I am saying, but please read and ponder, read and ponder, and repeat.

First off I know your a very intelligent human being, sensitive, and craving love, not unlike most of us hear on this rock. But you differ in you approach to the world in that your approach appear to cause you more suffering for your trouble then outcomes that are desirable. My own belief from reading your journal and getting to know you online is that a great part of your suffering, and distance from friends is a direct result of your knowledge, or rather your use of it. True though it may be that knowledge equates to power, it also snares the mind up in battles that rage internally for simply knowing what is known. I don't mean to make this entirely a downer to read, my goal is neither to praise or object your way of life, I am just an observer here on the sidelines of cyberspace commenting, but knowledge can liberate the mind in way, and as I said in other ways it can be a snare, I think for you the majority of the time it is the latter outcome... now onto why...

I thinks it because of your knowledge of the game of life that you ultimately feel you control to many cards in the game, you can win or lose without trying its simply a choice for you so essentially the game of people, a.k.a. friends is pointless. This all leads into so many other facets, because friends are so critical to our feeling self worth, belonging, community, trust, depending on others, feeling love... you get where I am going. To know people to know the game, kind of pre-spoils it, and can make forging connections feel predisposed.
Most of us feel this but only latter in the game after we know people, friends we have know for awhile become predictable, and because of this, we cater our decision based on what we know of them, sometime for our own benefit and sometimes for theirs, but in the end true, and I mean true friend the ones we cater nothing to, we do for out of love are perhaps the rarest. And I think for you this is what you need; one true best friend, not all the rest, just one that know you and loves you.

My advice is simply, when meeting new people drop the predispositions, forget what you know, and just talk, and share, you'll know you've landed a best friend when the one your talking to hangs on ever word you say. And one more thing lose the intellect from time to time; unsnarl your mind, its true what they say ignorance is bliss, and even scientist dream dreams.

From: Neonpulse

Posted by: p0ison1vy (p0ison1vy)
Posted at: December 26th, 2008 01:18 am (UTC)
Re: You

I suppose I understand and agree with what you're saying. I do think that my interpersonal intelligence causes me to be very selective, and isolate myself; I know that in some ways I don't give many people a chance... However, I don't feel that when I do this I'm being unreasonable. I feel like if someone deserves a chance, I give it to them, and the kind of chance a person gets, depends on them.
I try not to assume I know a person before getting to know them, most of them time I feel like I have to do this however, otherwise I'd be letting all sorts of dull, average, irritating people into my life. It becomes more complicated when the people become more complicated:
for example, I talk to a few people right now, who I know I could get along with if I made an effort to go out and socialise with them, however I know we aren't going to be CLOSE because I can't discuss certain personal things with them. I'm trying to give these sorts of people more of a chance, but meanwhile I'm scared that they'll be disappointed in ME because i'm so different from them. I feel that I will scare people off if I act completely like myself. basically, my fear of letting other people down or emberrassing myself has crippled me.

I have always felt that what I REALLY need to resolve all of this is simply CONFIDENCE. But I just don't feel that i'm ready to be confident yet, I feel like a work in progress all the time. I think that I'll have confidence once I improve myself to a certain point. This might be a destructive way of thinking, but it's what I feel. maybe it's something I need to change, which is partially why i'm considering seeing a therapist or something.
But in the meantime of gaining confidence, it's just very frustrating and difficult.

Posted by: ((Anonymous))
Posted at: December 26th, 2008 07:50 am (UTC)
You

I think you need to give yourself a chance more then the people you speak of, you were very open regarding what you wrote, in the months that have passed since we last spoke I see this as growth in a positive direction, less argumentative, and more introspective... and on that note consider this...

People are just people, each different, some annoying yes while others can fill our life with certain meaning that we ourselves sometime cannot.

I know your thinking is... you know who you are, you always have stood firm on your own in this claim, and I am not going to object to such a claim, however knowing yourself is only half the battle. Truly even the best of us only ever know a small portion of who we are most of the time.

The personification we hold ourselves in and apply ourselves with changes us and allows us to grow. With such growth we become a different person then when we stated, without such growth there is only stagnation. Growth giving us greater insight into who we are but never completing the picture.

So don't kill your potential friendships in what can't be because you think you are you, you may be killing what could have been, and ultimately what you may have been had you. You may note be who you were walking into the friendship after the friendship, so why rob yourself of the oppertunity.

Posted by: ((Anonymous))
Posted at: December 26th, 2008 08:41 pm (UTC)
Re: You

Well, I don't know if I've become any more introspective than I've always been, and I'm still argumentative, you just haven't had a chance to witness it lately.
Yes, I'm aware that people are different, some are annoying, some aren't; most ARE annoying though, don't you find? Keep in mind that the kind of people I get a chance to befriend are much younger than the people you might. It seems to me that you think I write people off for superficial reasons and that I dont judge people based on their character and our emotional compatibility. A lot of people think this because I seem to judge people quickly. But its pretty easy to know what a person will be like just by talking to them, asking them questions. There are certain attributes that I value and certain ones that are equivalently negative to me. There are potentially MANY of these qualities, I judge a person partially based on how they embody these traits.

I also know that our personas change all the time, and if we cling too much to an identity it will only inhibit emotional growth. I don't think that's my problem. The image I see of myself may not be what some other people see, but indeed I cant simply act as if I see myself another way, self-image can be a difficult thing to change. Eg: if I feel that Im ugly, I cant suddenly convince myself that I'm attractive for the sake of being confident and social.

If I have been robbing myself of opportunities, its only because I didn't have the confidence to pursue the friendships properly. And gaining confidence, or faking it, is much easier said than done.

Posted by: twisting_vine_x (twisting_vine_x)
Posted at: January 8th, 2009 11:30 pm (UTC)
Rain

Yeah... here's me randomly livejournal creeping. I know we haven't talked in forevever, but I came back to livejournal for a place to spill my guts, and I figured I would say hi.

If you want someone to come along for your HIV test, I'll be back by the end of April. I know that's still awhile, but if you haven't gone by then, I would be happy to come along.

As for making friends, I've always thought that you're a smart and funny individual, along with being quite eccentric, and you will eventually find people to share that with. I hope you're getting some love out of the little fuzzies, at least. Animals can often be better than people, in that they never judge, and they always love you.

Good luck with everything. Let me know if you'd like a companion during the summer! Hugs

Posted by: p0ison1vy (p0ison1vy)
Posted at: January 12th, 2009 07:22 pm (UTC)

Mm, I read your recent entries I feel that I can really relate to how you're feeling. I've had health problems for a few years now that my doctor can't explain; for the first year or so I was worrying about it from the moment I woke up to when I'd go to bed, every day. It fucked up my grades, I couldn't concentrate at all, and also just distanced me even more from my body, making my social anxiety worse. I think feeling distant is here to stay, for the time being so I've learned to deal.
I was worried about you when you were having those problems in grade 12!

Anyhow, I'd love to hang out whenever you can, I really appreciate your comment and your offer :) thanks.
good luck with school and your bod! stay strong.

Posted by: twisting_vine_x (twisting_vine_x)
Posted at: January 13th, 2009 02:42 am (UTC)
Rain

Yeah... life is hard enough to do when you're healthy... when you're not all there, well... everything is just that much more difficult.

I would love to hang out in the summer. :)

I shall do my best to stay strong. You too, and hugs from Kingston! <3

Posted by: none (letsgethonest)
Posted at: November 25th, 2009 05:21 am (UTC)

I found this randomly and relate so much. I didn't make many friends until college... when I started drinking (drinking made me friends and I wouldn't even remember its scary) even then I didn't really relate to many people until I met my gay friend shane. He's alot like you too lol.
Ugh i love him though like a best friend i never had before.

I hope you also find a nice compassionate funny and um... respectable person too share your inner most thoughts with soon :P without use of alcohol of course.

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