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p0ison1vy [userpic]

how does one anxious freak meet another?

May 19th, 2009 (01:46 pm)

current location: home
current mood: existential boredom
current song: black no. 1 - type o negative

I'm just checking in to ask if there is some sort of social networking site specifically for pathological, depressed, social misfits and losers/freaks? Like is there a MySpace for crazy weirdos? I've been googlin for at least a half hour at this point, but my efforts have been unsuccessful. the only results provided have been "how to avoid weirdos online"

Let me elaborate: I'm not looking for a support group, I'm not seeking boring conversations about my 'progress', medication, or whatever, and I don't want to listen to some irrational hyper-sensitive wimp whine about how they have no problems and yet are still soooo sad (unless they're a male and I can get oral sex out of it), and I would prefer not to spend months trying to convince some paranoiac that its okay to meet (I completely understand if you're nervous at first, but please not for whole months).
I just want to maybe talk to someone who can understand, to perhaps meet and form some sort of alliance, just so that I'm not so fucking bored and depressed when I'm not working (work appears to be slowing down right now).
Just a little distraction. You see, I haven't socialized with anyone since I got back from Nova Scotia in October, the only times Ive made real human conversation, were for a brief period in April when Gary decided he wanted to be friends again, and would phone me frequently, but of course that thing dissolved after a few weeks. It doesn't really matter though, I had no intention of speaking to him again, and he often gets on my nerves.

I'm not necessarily excluding normal well-adjusted people from befriending me, but realistically, why would a person like that WANT to be friends with a psychotic weirdo like myself? I never do anything, I'm still learning just how to fucking TALK, I have no skills, hardly any interests (the few I do have are pretty strange and obscure), no talent, nothing that really distinguishes me from others, apart from the fact that I'm weird and completely inept, and my obscure interests, which are probably deliberate anyway.
And at this point I have reached my capacity to endure rejection, one more will inevitably send me over the edge, I just cant fucking take people treating me this way anymore. Having someone around sometimes is like a shield, its a distraction.
and it would be nice if I didn't have to smoke up by myself, you know???

Its not as if I gave up at the onset, you have to understand that I wasn't always like this, I used to take chances and meet people, (including boys!) all of the time, but that didn't work, people didn't like me. Meanwhile, more people were intentionally and sometimes unintentionally making my life hell, I felt desperate just to find any connection, and I did, and I settled a lot, but those things end quickly, how can they last? not that I mind them.
And let me just state, I havent even WRITTEN about the soul-sucking bullshit I go through on a daily basis, I try\want to let it roll off of my back, and when people give me that "awww, honey" shit it only reminds me of how much of a misfit I am, and that the most I can expect from other people is pity and sympathy, never just understanding. Most of the time people don't care anyways, which is understandable too.

lastly, please don't recommend that I "just find a place where people who share your interests gather".
OH, why didn't I think of that?! Ill just get over my social anxiety, grow me some interests, go find that place, and talk to some person I don't know! That'll work, it sounds so easy! I must be a fucking dumbass to not have thought of that! Really.

I cant just TALK to anyone I want, have you heard my voice?! when i'm in public by myself and I have to talk to a male stranger, I fear for my physical well-being, as it has been threatened countless times, just because of the way I sound, which I cant fucking change no matter how much I try.

I am done. Note that I am completely serious in my endeavor to find a website for freakazoids like me, so if you know of anything, be a friend, and let me know. I already know vampirefreaks, although that's aimed for lame goth\emo kids, unfortunately.

So, I am going to the store now to buy some food, as we have none. And I will eat this food and try to comfort myself, because I live a great life! Don't I?? Thats all you fucking need, a positive attitude.
And then I will come home... and have nothing to do.


Posted by: ((Anonymous))
Posted at: September 4th, 2009 08:00 am (UTC)

For all your ranting at the end of the day you do it to yourself! You spin a good yarn that your so hung up on being weird and subjected to the indifference of others, and yet I can't help but think you enjoy reveling in your own misery corrupted by no one but yourself.

If people reject you because of you voice then perhaps your meeting the wrong kind of people... those that I know would never judge another on their voice or reject them because of it.

I have the inclination to believe that you don't meet decent people because others recognize something in you that's apparent right up front, something that I myself can conclude having read this post, your jaded, that's the cold hard truth... face it.

People don't fit into neat little boxes with bows... friends are not rewarded they are earned. Your view of the world is tainted by your own self pity, cheer up, be pleasant, be kind, don't use others, be supportive, care, change this are the qualities we need and want in friends.

Drawing attention to how different you think you are only serves to further separate you from others. If this is what you want keep doing what your doing, but having done so there will be a shortage of pity for you as time goes on because people will see that its all just a self absorbed game for you.

I wish you the best but you need to change.

Posted by: p0ison1vy (p0ison1vy)
Posted at: September 4th, 2009 07:22 pm (UTC)

how can you presume to know this much about me from reading this one entry? i know i come off whiny and jaded in this journal, but for the past couple of years, in the very few times Ive written, i have ONLY done so to vent, as i have nowhere else to do that. and i don't often feel like explaining precisely WHY i'm frustrated, i choose to keep that to myself.
you say that people don't fit into little boxes with bows, and yet you go on to pin me down as just some whiny jaded teenager whose attitude is the sole cause of all his problems, from reading this singular, short, facetious entry. my problems are much, much deeper, complicated and more serious than that.

i just find it kind of insulting that a stranger would assume they knew so much about my character from reading this entry.

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