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p0ison1vy [userpic]

straight up vloggin'

April 25th, 2007 (10:08 pm)
current mood: coughy
current song: I Miss You - by Bjork

[Error: close lj-embed tag without open tag]

p0ison1vy [userpic]

(no subject)

April 18th, 2007 (12:45 pm)
current song: Knife - by Grizzly Bear

Well I've had a lot of projects and things due lately. And my plan was that the next post on here to be with new pictures and videos, namely from my little date with Aaron. But things don't go as planned, do they.
I still have many big projects due, so maybe this isn't even a good time to be writing. But currently I am waiting for spring rolls and chicken balls to bake and need something to do in the meantime so that I don't fall asleep and burn the house down.
If I haven't mentioned that I have been getting no more than 2 hours of sleep every night, I will mention it now.

Last night was particularly bad for me, I stayed up all night with a hurty heart. Mike apologised to me a while ago and stuff and was all "I still love you and I'm not a bad person" and for a minute he kinda had me convinced.
I don't know, of course it's possible that he's being sincere. But last night I remembered all the things he said and did, and I remembered how he wasn't a good boyfriend! He certainly wasn't a good boyfriend to someone like me who is blatently insecure. And it was kinda like being broken up with again, because it was like "Great. ANOTHER guy I meet doesn't like me. Or even DISLIKES me and wants to use me and make me feel like I'm shit." What do you do when it seems like the world is out to get you? How do you act?

I feel this way because yep, the whole Aaron endeavor was a failure. The date wasn't bad in the sense that all I wanted to do was see him and spend some real-life time with him. But it did not go according to plan at all, and since it didn't, it ruined our plans for future dates sorta. The plan was to meet his parents so they'd they'd get to know me and feel comfortable with him spending time with me so that we could see eachother more often. But he chickened out. And ever since he's been distant and trying to back out of this little relationship.
It is true though that the day after our date bad things started to happen to him. Like he lost a 10 000 dollar scholarship that probably would've been given to him if he was 'culturally harmonious' or something like that, one of his best friend told him she was moving away for school, he found out he's getting surgery on his skin soon which scares him because he's allergic to painkillers and his last surgery was the worst experience of his life, and he wasn't doing well in english.
To me these things seem like he's being kinda melodramatic and looking for excuses to find fault with our relationship. But whatever. 
We went to the Pacific Mall which is an all asian town in Toronto in the asian part I guess. On the bus EVERYONE was asian, so we made a video with his camera pretending to be tourists in Japan, lawl. If those videos had madeit to youtube, I would've had like 10 000 hits because every computer nerd loves Japan. But unfortunately, in a supposed act of desperation, Aaron deleted all of our pictures and videos so that his family couldn't see them. -_- By the way, when he gave me his camera to use I turned it on and there  I only had a brief look at the last picture taken but I think it was him laying in bed in a pretty sexual position, lol. And then he grabbed the camera and was like "Oh! I think I did something wrong" and deleted al the pictures. I was like : s that's weird. and I was like "so you deleted all the noodz?" and he was like "No, more like the pictures of family." and I thought, well that doesn't mean you have to yank it out of my hand before i get to see them, i wanted to see them. So it was pretty suspicious. I bet they were noodz. Or maybe he secretly isn't as virginal as he told me and he has pictures of himself kissing all these people, who knows! I don't even know where I got Aaron from, he says he doesn't add people, but I wouldn't have added him because he doesn't put his picture on websites and I don't add people like that, and I don't remember ever seeing a picture of him before. I'm thinking that maybe I got him from like a webcam list back when I was young and liked to fool around on webcam. I betcha that's itttt. He acts so innocent and naive about sex and stuff but I KNOW he's not. Nobody who tauts South Park as one of their favorite shows can be ignorant about sex.

So out of the 5 relationships I've pursued, not one of them has been good, not ONE of my boyfriends has actually LIKED me, not one has even lasted.
I know you have to be vulnerable to do relationships and you always have to risk getting hurt to pursue what you want but I dont know how much more of this I can take. How can I have anything close to self esteem when I get rejected by everyone? I'm like Frankenstein for real.
Maybe I should just stop husband-hunting. Maybe I should go out and just have casual sex. Maybe that would liberate me because I wouldn't have all these ties and lines that can be crossed and feelings that can be hurt. *shrugs*

This is also a stressful thing because new health-related things have arisen, private things that I dont want to tell most people, not even doctors. So I dont want to go alone to go to the doctor, I really don't. I need someone to be there with me this time. But nobody really talks to me anymore so really my only options are this 27 year old Chilean guy who I met on facebook who'll probably want me to suck him off if he takes me, or this other guy i've been talking to online who wants to date me. But if I use this 'other guy' it'll take longer, and I actually care about what he thinks about me so I don't want to have to tell hm all my symptoms and stuff.

I guess I should tell you about this OTHER guy now. Well he's from Hamilton but he's moving to Barrie at the end of April, (which is soon) to move back in with his mom so that he can afford school. A few days ago he actually got a job at the same Little Ceasars that Liz works at, as assistant supervisor! Which is kinda peculiar and neat, I guess. We have these weird little commonalities.
Like his dad is also sicilian and lives in Toronto and does ballroom dancing and he never talks to him anymore. And (he says) he's shy, ugly and awkward, I personally don't believe him but whatevs. I don't know what he looks like yet! He says he's 'technologically challenged' or whatevs, but I want to know what he looks like before I meet him. I think thats a pretty friggin fair thing to asl. There are other things too. He's also 19 and has a car! Which I find quite enticing to be quite honest. No buses!!! omg
But he has his drawbacks! He's BISEXUAL. He actually 'doesn't like labels' and 'doesnt like limiting himself', which I find more disconserting than dating a plain ol bisexual, because it seems less stable. Like "I guess I could fuck a guy today, but tomorrow, who knows!" or "I'm mostly straight but... I guess I could let a guy suck me off"
Explicit, yes. But I've heard many 'straight' and 'open-minded' guys say these things and I personally find it kinda disgusting.
But he says he's a virgin, I think. As far as intercourse goes.
He says he's not like these guys but I duno... I just don't know how I feel about dating bisexuals.
He's also a 'classic rock' kid. He has a band and everything (which he will be leaving, to my relief) back in Hamilton. He's also quite into sports he says.
I know, so unlike me. Bisexuality, sports, classic rock. What's next.
His mom is also from India. Lawl. He tells me he can pass as a lot of ethnicities. When he travels and stuff, people always think he's a local.

Anyways, I have a research paper due on the inquisition tomorrow, technically. But i'm handing it in on Friday because I spent 5 hours getting notes for it and ended up with 6 pages and i'm still not done, and I dont think he'll care. He's given extensions to Friday quite carelessly, he says he's not marking them until the weekend anyways.
Nevertheless, I got very little sleep last night, and probably wont tonight, or tomorrow night. So I'be decided to skip art class so that I can take a nap and be able to get going on my project earlier and get more done. Oh heavens.
I'm not even completely sure what the thesis I picked means. Lol, not good eh? I don't think the arguments I used in my planner are even relevant to my thesis, but when I handed it in to the teacher he gave me a 9 or a 9 1/2 out of 10. *shrugs*

I've been talking to these emo grade 10 and 9 girls and they're real nice. I like them and they like me back. They go to my school and I've only seen the one of them a couple times and have waved. I'm supposed to have lunch with her this friday but I made these plans unaware that I have an anthro unit test on that day, and since we dont have the same lunch period, the plan was to skip anthro so that I could go. So, those plans are hereby cancelled, and I will have to inform her of this after school. I wrote it on my hand so hopefully I remember. 
I also must remember to make references on my history paper and use footnotes even though I dont know pucky about that.

I'm told that my sister and stuff have to move AGAIN. Perhaps because of the new baby on the way, I'm not sure, I wasn't given a reason. My mom was like "They might move to Barrie.." And I dont think they will, but if they do, I will shit myself. Or maybe mom would be over there a lot and I'd be home alone more, who knows.  Instead they might just be over here a lot. D: Oh god. If they move to Barrie, I better have a boyfriend or something so that I can spend my time at other places. 

When I go to the doctor again I definitely want to get a blood test. I bet they'll want one anyway so I probably won't have to ask. The only guess I have is that maybe I have a prostate infection. I'm not a doctor though. I dont even fit most of the symptoms for prostate infections. Like-- it doesn't hurt when I pee or anything, I pee a normal amount. But I do have other symptoms maybe, I think. I just don't know. There's gotta be something. All these things happening just can't be a coincidense. All I want is some pills to make them go away so that I don't have to worry anymore. Blech.
Anyways, this has become quite long, quite quickly. I wish I had pictures but I don't. Ariel still refuses to give me back my webcam.

p0ison1vy [userpic]

(no subject)

March 28th, 2007 (11:57 pm)

I wrote a rather long entry the other day, and it happened to be the one day I don't copy my words before posting-- it was of course on this day that it fucks up and I cant get my entry back! Needless to say, I was discouraged and had an aversion to livejournal for afterwards, curling into a fetal position and such. 
I was going to wait until after sunday before posting again, so that I could surprise you in April with a bunch of news, but I'm bored now so I'll just do it up.
First of all, I would like to confront something I heard the other day:
Well, allegedly it has gotten around the school that I always talk about poop! This information was bestowed upon me via Ariel and her evesdropping proficiancy. She was in one of her classes, and this is what she overheard:

Kid # 1: "Do you know that Stefan kid?"
Kid # 2: "Yeah."
Kid # 1: "He always talks about poo..."

She doesn't remember who the kids were, and even so-- I don't talk about poo with anyone except maybe Ariel, Liz, online friends, and my livejournal. So my guess is that Eastview kids are secretly reading my livejournal. Well, whatever.
I wouldn't even care if I didn't feel it were being inferred that I have a poo fetish of sorts... Maybe I do mention poo more than your average Joe. But it's not like I enjoy poo, in any way. Oh well, nobody knows anything.
 Now that that's been dealt with...

After almost a month of dating I broke up with Mike because I didn't trust him and thought he was shittin me. I duno. Maybe it wasn't the right choice, per se. But at the time it was the only thing I felt I could do, because I couldn't go on distrusting him. That would be damaging to both of us. So, technically he was my longest lasting relationship, however, most of the words we exchanged after the first 2 weeks took place in arguments, otherwise we weren't really talking at all. So, I guess I maintain my 2-week streak in one form or another...

But it doesn't matter because I've found a better kid who lives in Toronto, whom I will also be meeting on Sunday (3 days from now.) I have more in common with him than any of my other boyfriends (though we have an unspoken agreement that we're going to wait until we meet first before we officially decide to become boyfriends. Which is good.) He's supposedly really shy/quiet/awkward and stuff, has morals, low self-esteem, is intelligent, types well, is very talented in art (goes to a gifted art school) , has never had a relationship before (I will be his first kiss and everything) so he's basically my dreamboy. The only thing he needs is for me to contaminate his brain with better music and movies. His tastes as they are, aren't bad, but he's the type of kid who'd appreciate the really good stuff, so I might as well infect his brain and have him join the team.
He's also part Jamaican, Chinese, and Irish. But he looks mostly Jamaican from what I've seen so far.
No, his name is not Jamal.
But I'll tell you more about it all in a few days. There should be pictures involved, and possibly videos. I highly look forward to it.

Ummn gee, I had a lot more to type in my last/lost entry... 
Semester 2 is doin' me good. I just sit on my ass all day long, everyday. I'm almost done making rainbow undies for Fashion class. Got to do an essay about North korean culture for Anthro. Finish up a panoply of Art assignments. So far that's it. Today I brought in Shrimp flavoured Mr. Noodles (because the flavouring always smells identically to fish food), and tomato soup to the school library to take away half of my fines (fines were 4 dollars, each food is worth 1$.) And I borrowed God Of The Small Things by Arundhati Roy, I believe her name is. She inspired me after watching the documentary, We. I borowed  the book from the public library way back in the summer but never got around to reading it.

My shoes are wrecked. The whole left side of my right shoe is not attatched to the bottom. Lol. And of course, Vans don't have shoelaces, so now that my shoe is even more loose, it often falls off-- often when running to school. It also lets in water and (due to it being Spring,) mud! Which is unpleasant. 
I also need to buy new foundation soon. I'm torn between getting my mom to buy me new shoes, or new foundation. She wanted to take me shoe shopping yestarday but I was all "I can make it on mah own!" mostly because I didnt think she'd buy both, especially when she knows I have some money (but she doesn't know its being saved up for my busride to Toronto.)
And on that note, where does one buy Go Bus tickets? Is it at the help desk place in the terminal where you buy regular bus tickets and stuff? Oh well. I guess I'll find out when I go there on sunday. I'd prefer to know beforehand though.

Nowadays I get no sleep. Not only do I go to bed significantly later than I used to (bedtimes just seem too depressing nowadays) but I also have mild insomnia. I lay in bed for a couple hours after gettin in. So, on average I'd say I fall asleep at around 4am every night, and wake up 2 hours later, at 6am, get ready, and go to school. Luckily for me though, mom got me a new (salon) straightener the other week, so now my routine can be significantly shortened. But you know-- once you have the tools to make your hair perfect, going to school with the hair you would've otherwise had on a good day using your old straightener, seems just as bad as having a bad hair day. So I end up spending almost as much time doing my hairs up. But not quite. The good thing about this device is that now I can straighten it the night before, and it stays straight overnight! Very straight, even! Only in some spots does it curve slightly inward; but even if I missed my alarm for example, I could go to school without straightening my hair in the morning and still look fine! So it's great!

I am actually flattered when people pay enough attention to me to talk shit about me behind my back and try to start shit with me, despite it being humongously immature. It's just funny because I don't do anything, don't talk to anyone, don't drawing attention to myself in any way. I guess it means I really do have an affect on people... KOOL.
(Unrelated:) Today I got shit yelled at me from a group of guys in a car. Calling me gay and fag and telling me god hates me and stuff.  I wouldn't even care if there weren't people around who heard it and turned to see how I reacted. That's just emberrassing.
By itself, the idea of a group of kids yelling insults at someone as they drive away actually just seems funny and cowardly. Reminds me of things little kids do, except on bikes and tricycles. I don't know why this is so accepted and widespread in our society. It shouldn't be.
But whatevs!

Tomorrow is the grade 10 literacy test so I'm skipping out on school altogether. Wooh, i'm watching a movie after this. Hello Tarnation.

p0ison1vy [userpic]


February 4th, 2007 (05:25 pm)

current mood: anxious

Okay so

My boyfriend is upset with me and currently  taking some 'time alone'. We've been arguing about this thing since last night and it's making us both frustrated. uiguhsfdhdssjd

You see, I remember when I first started talking to him last year, that I told him we would never work because he couldn't type as well as me, and I remember him telling me that it wasn't his fault because he was born in Russia and he knows Russian and English or something like that. He also made it seem later on that he could speak Russian as a second language, with saying such things as "People don't know how hard it is knowing two languages" after I told him how I admired the fact that he knew more than one language because that is indicative of intelligence even if it also means that he doesn't always type English well.) 
I never really believed it though-- I always suspected something was wrong with it. He also has this obssession with Tatu so, I always just assumed that he got an obssession with Tatu and one day found out that he had a Russian relative, and he took that a little too far. I've seen it happen-- we teenagers go through our phases....
So one night I tried to get him to speak Russian for me on the phone, but he just says "... Nah..." I ask why, he says "I just don't feel like it. But next time I will speak nothing but Russian for you."
and at that point it was obvious that he couldn't speak Russian any better than I could speak french.
So the next day I confronted him about how Russian he really is, and he admitted that he did exhaggerate his abilities to speak Russian and he told me that only his mom is Russian and his mom told him since he was little that he was born in Russia but moved to Canada when he was a baby and he only learned a little Russian later on somehow because he wanted to, and he's never really had to speak it except at one of his relative's weddings. This of course bothered me that he made it seem to me that he was more Russian than he actually was. But I was like "Well alright, whatever. It's not a big deal"
The next day I confront him about how he said "People don't know how hard it is knowing two languages" because he only admitted that he exhaggerated his ability to speak Russian, not that he made it seem like Russian was a second language. To him, this does not seem like a big deal, but to me it does. Because I mean-- I'm the one being told these things; the difference between someone knowing how to say "hello" and a few other things in a language, and being able to hold a conversation, are quite significant to me.
He told me that what he meant by that, was he sometimes translates Russian into English in lyrics and things and it confuses him and he doesn't always type well as a result.
I wasn't satisfied with this answer because I mean-- how often would he be translating Russian into English to the extent that it would be worth telling me about? I mean, you might as well just admit that you were exhaggerating again.
And then I remembered the context on which we were speaking when he said the 'two languages' thing-- I said that I admired that he knew more than one language, and that is how he responded. Obviously, if you say "Yeah people don't know how hard it is knowing two languages" I'm going to think that you speak two languages. When I told him about this he was like "Hm... I don't remember that." And then he told me that the previous night he found his birth certificate and baby photos for the first time in his life and he saw that he was actually born in Canada and everything his mom told him was a lie and he was upset but he did not want to confront her about it because he could tell that she did not want to talk about it and he didn't want to upset her, even though she told him lies his whole life about where he was born, and consequently he told the people around him as well  and now that the truth is out, he has to explain to them "Actually... I'm Canadian..."
And at this point he was getting angry that I 'kept bringing it up' and he just wanted to stop talking about it. So I was like "Well okay whatever. What is the worst case scenerio of this situation? There's no reason for him to lie about this anymore so I might as well just accept what he says and move on." even though I wasn't satisfied at all with things and the stuff he was telling me didn't make sense to me.
And I just let it be for a while. But then the other day I realised-- his mom doesn't have an accent, her name is Debra Robinson. Why would he've ever actually thought she was born in Russia? How could he've honestly thought such and had the confidense to go around telling people about it?
So yestarday I asked him "Why did you think your mom was born in Russia?..." and his response was that he thought she was born in Russia because she told HIM that HE was born in Russia, and that's just how reproduction works. To which I responded  "But her name is Debra Robinson... Your name is Mike McLean.... Your last name is Irish... She doesn't have an accent..." and he was like "Well you tend to believe what your parents tell you... Sorry, I'll try to control what my parents tell me next time."
and I asked "Well, did you ever think that maybe she was joking?..." and he said
"No, she was serious." and I said "Well maybe she was pulling your leg." and he was like "Yeah she was, but I'm sorry if I didn't understand that when I was 5." and I said "Of course but now you're 17 and you've been telling me this until the other day." to which he once again responded "Well I'm sorry if I believe what my parents tell me. You tend to trust your parents." and I said "Of course you can't believe everything your parents tell you. If I did, I'd still be a Jehovah's Witness." He told me that she told him that he was the only one born in Russia and that's what made him special and stuff, and he assumed that it was like that because he has family in Russia and his mom went to visit them and that's when she had the baby. Though when I asked him "So who in your family is Russian?" he said "I don't know! It's not like I've ever asked!" and I was like "Well why the hell not? You told people that you were from Russia and all that."
and then he went on about how he's just sick and tired of me 'constantly' bringing this up and it makes him upset and he's 'done with it' and will refuse to talk about it ever again from now on. I couldn't understand why it was such a big deal to him that it made him so upset, when all I was doing was trying to understand the whole situation so that I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. Yes, of course I'm suspicious about it, but who wouldn't be. It doesn't make sense. 
The fact that he is so eager to never talk about it ever again makes me more suspicious. But he thinks that this is due to some chronic inability to trust anything he tells me. But we've resolved plenty of other things, sure I get suspisious, yeah. And sometimes my suspisions are ridiculous and baseless, but that's why we talk about it and resolve them.
This of course led to giving me commentary on my former journal entry, and telling me that I am dissecting and judging his every move and am trying to make him look like an asshole and am trying to throw his mistakes in his face for some reason.
Yeah, I of course did mention some things I was suspicious of, and why shouldn't I? They bothered me at the time, so I wrote them down.
The reason he didn't hug me at the bus stop was because he was being considerate-- you see, I told him that my chest was hurting from waxing and that I probably wouldn't let him get close to me if I came. I totally forgot I said this because the pain went away and we got plenty close later on. That's why I wrote that and I'm sorry that I made it seem like he was a jerk there.
And if I made it seem like Mike was a jerk otherwise, it was not my intention at all. He read my entry and is convinced that I was trying to make him look bad and myself look like a little angel or whatever. Not so, not so. Mike is not a jerk, he's the kindest, most caring, considerate boyfriend I've had and I love him.
And I'm scared that he isn't going to talk to me again for days or that he's going to break up with me now. All I wanted was to resolve this friggin issue and be sure that he isn't a liar, and all he wants is for me to let go of what he thinks is "stupid" and move on.
My issue is lying. Fundamentally, the thing I'm suspicious of is-- that he lied to me from the beginning about being Russian-- that he knew he wasn't Russian and he said he was anyways for whatever reason. I mean-- it's absolutely stupid and like-- even if it was part of a Tatu phase, I doubt he'll fess up to it because that's emberrassing and a lot of teenagers like to pretend those sorts of things never happened.
So what do I do? Just push it aside and move on? Am I acting irrational and neurotic? Or do I have a right to bring this up a lot to him?

p0ison1vy [userpic]

Weekend with boy, over on saturday

February 3rd, 2007 (10:24 pm)

current mood: blah
current song: Self-Made - by Otep

So I THOUGHT I was going to Mike's friend's house on Wednesday and staying there for a few days, but then his friend was on vacation in Mexico, so it was switched to friday-sunday at HIS house. But then I waxed myself, with results along the lines of a HIDEOUS BRIGHT PINK PIMPLY BEAST, so I told him I didn't want to come and we did a little 
"Come!"-"...But I don't want to come!"-thing for like 15 minutes, and settled on me not coming. But then I went and layed down in my bed and realised that I really did want to see him even if I was in pain and looked like a plucked chicken with herpes. So 5 minutes (or less) later, I called him back and said "Nevermind, I'm coming" and got ready. While I was straightening my hair and my mom was leaving for work she came to say bye and she hugged me while I was straightening my hair and said "I love you, Stefan.. Okay?..." and sobbed a little and I just continued straightening my hair like nothing happened, but inside I was like "What the hell?!" 
So then I left. Upon entering my bus to the terminal I realised though that my backpack had completely unzipped itself within the 2 minute (or less) walk from my apartment to the bus stop beside my house. But at this point there was nothing I could do but wait until I arrived in Orillia so that I could use Mike's cell phone to call my answering machine.
So! After getting on the bus and thinking for the latter 15 minutes that I was on the wrong one, I arrived in Orillia.
You see, the bus I took was making a stop at Casinorama, and for some reason they choose to enter Orillia, stop at the Orillia college, keep going to Casino Rama, and then come back to Orillia the exact same way and drop the rest of us off at the station...
Boy was it fun when all the signs changed from "Orillia" to "Rama" and I had to think about how to get to Mike or possibly call him or my mom from the middle of nowhere (which is basically what Rama is.)
But soon enough the bus came to stop, I met up with Mike, we DIDN'T hug because he's paranoid that someone in the town will see and tell his mom. Which is understandable I suppose when considering how he tells me about how everyone knows everyone there. Whatevs.
Called mom and a cab. Went to Mike's house. Was surprised to see an abundance of scantily-clad large-breasted anime women all over his room. At first I didn't say anything and just felt weird but eventually I asked him about it and he said something about how he has them because it captures japanese big-boob culture. o_0 I don't really know what to think about that. 
And I saw his pet crabs and we played Dead Or Alive (yet more large-breasted scantily-clad anime women) and I sucked at it and I was disappointed that the xbox 360's graphics weren't better. They aren't bad, but I expected better. *shrugs*
And then I found out that Mike has this 'girlfriend', or used to. It was some thing he told his sister and her friends to make them think he isn't gay because his sister has a big mouth or something and he doesn't want his family to know. *shrugs* Personally, I don't see what the big deal is. But I think the whole girlfriend thing was partially a joke anyway.
It was brought about because his sister told him that she saw his 'girlfriend' holding hands and walking around with some other guy. But he seemed really sad about it and I didn't know what the heck to think so I listened to his conversation with his sister when he went out to talk to her again and heard some things that made me SUPER unhappy and I just looked out the window and wondered what to do and then he came in and saw me looking upset and we talked and he tried to clear it up and he called this 'girlfriend' and tried to get her to clear it up for me. She seemed very confused. But I accepted it.
So then we laid around and stuff. Kissed and hugged, watched a little TV. Watched Little Britain, which was pretty funny at parts, though I'm not sure if I would've laughed as much if I was alone. Then ordered pizza. Then Mike's little sister kinda demanded that we watch Benchwarmers with her in the living room. I was unhappy about that, remembering how when I saw the commercial for Benchwarmers, I specifically thought to myself "I never want to have to see that."
But oh I did. And Mike and I had to watch this movie for about a half hour acting like we were completely normal straight guys, when luckily Mike asked me if I instead wanted to watch another movie in his room. I was very grateful.
We made out a lot. I think the majority of time we had together was spent spooning on/in his bed.
Yes, I admit. I was trying to be a little more touchy, in spite of that "No sex pre two-weeks" rule that I knew I was probably going to break. And we eventually DID do stuff, several times. And it was the best i've ever had, in spite of the discusting things on my chest from waxing, but I never once let him saw them.
And after we did stuff the first time he friggin fell asleep even though the plan was to sleep in eachother's arms or whatever. He blames me because I opened the windows which made him cold and I didn't poke him to keep him awake. But I tried to carry on a conversation with him but he just mumbled one-word responses so I took that as a sign to just let him be and I laid there a little lonely until I fell asleep. It's hard to fall asleep in someone's arms or whatever if they're way closer to sleeping than you. You have to know that you're going to sleep at more/less the same time or else one person is left behind and you feel like you're cutting off the circulation in their arms. That's how it is with me anyways.
So in the morning we hugged and kissed and did stuff some more and wrestled a little more (he likes to inflict pain upon me)
and I played Dead Or Alive for a little bit and continued to suck, but I'm improving. Then I showered and got ready and then he did and at that point I knew I wasn't going to be staying another night-- there was a chance that he could've convinced his mom to let me stay another night. But I guess he was scared to or something because there's some family problems and she was having company over. I was a little hurt that he didn't try to convince her, given that he touts his amazing debating abilities with his mother. Whatevs. I probably would've been too scared if it was my mom, but I don't claim to have amazing debating abilities with her.
 So we walked and talked a long time to the bus station in the freezing cold, but I didn't mind because I wanted more time with him. But when we got there we had an hour before my bus came so we went to Country Style and he bought us food and his doughnut tasted like chinese food and I got hot chocolate even though I don't particularly like it, because it was the only hot drink that was worth buying as far as I was concerned. So we sat and talked, but it was mostly him who did the talking, as usual. Time flew by and it was time for me to go home and I was quite full and sad and I almost got carsick on the bus but then I thought about Kimya Dawson and movies and I felt better.
So now I'm back at home and Mike went to eat dinner, but he probably did something else. Considering that it's been an hour now. He doesn't know that post-firstboyfriendsexualexperience, I am very sensitive and crave reassurance and affection like it's air in my lungs. Well he kinda knows, because I kept asking him if he was going to stay with me and stuff. I don't want to annoy him though
Sometimes I do get very suspicious of him and I don't know if I trust him. But then I think-- what could he possibly want me for then? As far as sex goes-- if I hadn't pushed it this weekend, it probably wouldn't have happened until I said so. And even then-- he could do wayyy better than me, for a sexual partner. There are plenty of people who want purely sexual partners anyways so why would someone lie and scheme about it? And aside from that, he spends a lot of his time talking to me and he spends his money to come see me and do things with me... What the hell am I giving him that he would be using me for? *shrugs* I suppose there are some fucked up people in the world, but I mean, if it all comes down to suspecting that someone could be fucked up and just wants to hurt you for no particular reason-- then who CAN you trust. Because using such a logic, one would have no way of knowing who and who not to trust.
Well, regardless, I will be going to his house for the weekend, as far as I know. We are quite looking forward to it, and this time I'm going to make sure that sexual things aren't the highlight of my visit. 
I downloaded Meet The Feebles and Rushmore. I guess I'll watch Rushmore because I need something to cheer me up
and oh look Mike is online
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p0ison1vy [userpic]

D8 # 2 ENGAGE!

January 31st, 2007 (01:18 am)
current song: Lippe

So I love my boyfriend.
I am sorry that I ever mistrusted him, I was stupid and blind.
I've found a boyfriend who actually loves me and isn't jerking me around and shit and it's pointless to waste our time with my mistrust. 

I got home from "date" # 2 with Mike an hour ago! It was pretty spectacular. 
We went to the mall at first, got me 2 thingies of wax (just in case the other doesn't work and also because they didn't have 2 boxes of wax for men) from Pharma Plus. We, jokingly (or so I thought) said that we'd suggestively wink and wiggle our eyebrows at the cashier when Mike paid for it. So when we got to the cashier, she asks 
"Do you have an airmiles card?" and Mike, not being from Barrie and completely ignorant of what store he's in, says
"No, but I have a Shoppers card."
"Sweetie this isn't Shoppers Drugmart, haha. That's our competitor"
"Oh, haha. Sorry, I'm blonde.... Is that a valid excuse?"
"Nah. Besides, I can tell that it's fake."
"Some areas would beg to differ..." (points to crotch)
"... Well I'm not concerned about those areas, ahaha."
"But I guess i'll change that tonight anyways" (pats boxes of wax) At this point my mouth is gaping and my eyes are as wide as nothin else and laughter is coming out
"And on that note, have a good day! haha" the poor cashier lady said. and we laughed away and i couldn't stop laughing about it for the rest of the day basically.

That was one of the many highlights of our jam-packed little night together.
We then walked to the Kozlov just like last time. Looked around Zellers, and the pet store again and we made out a little in the hallway of one of the back doors, but people kept coming in so we had to stop and start and I wanted to keep going. But oh well, it was quite compensated for later on.

He then decided to take me out to dinner, which I didn't know how to react to because I thought that was amazingly nice. We went to a new restaurant that was "Now Open" (Fran's. But we thought it was Frank's until after we finished eating.)-- I'd never heard of it, and Moose Winooskis (our other option) seemed like too much of a busy family restaurant. I got coconut shrimp, which was alright, expected it to be a lot better. The sauce was kinda blech. I actually wasn't hungry but nobody believes me when I say that, but I swear that when I say i'm not hungry I'm not just being shy. I'm aggressive about my hunger. It's one of those things. 
But I ate everything to show my graciousness and so that I wouldn't be hungry later one and it wasn't THAT bad. And then we ate cheesecake even though we werent hungry. It was good though. I was so so full.

Then we went to the Georgian mall to look around a bit, but we didn't find anything to buy. I COULD'VE got Mike to help me buy a thing or two but I felt like that was way too much.
God he's awesome.

So then when we got bored of the mall and we went to my house, as was my suggestion. And I'm really glad I suggested  it and i'm really glad Mike agreed, because we had a good time.
At first we just sat in my bed and talked. Then kissing ensued, then makin out. I think in total we made out for 2 hours. Is that impressive? I'm almost proud of it. I almost feel like I've accomplished something.
Behe it was fun. We of course didn't JUST make out. We talked about various things throughout. He's so sweet and funny and amazing.
He's a good kisser ^^ and he says I am too. which is strange to me, but good to know.
it's cute how he was afraid to get ontop of me and he kept his hips away from mine. that's so sweet..
we kissed a LOT and honestly my lips were tired by the end of it.
He tickles me a lot. But it's sometimes more like squeezing my kidneys in between his fingers. He was relentless.
behehe <3
But then 11pm came around and we had to go to the bus station so that he could catch the last (11:30) bus back to Orillia.
We get there just on time. and just as Mike gets to the door of the bus, it starts leaving. He runs after it and nearly dies, but it does not stop for him. So we had to talk to the help desk dude and get him to call dispatch and turn the bus around. XD those poor people on the bus...
And I had to wait for like another hour for the midnight bus to come take me home after Mike left. I was slightly hungry and suffering from a bit of fluid congestion L_L >_>
and that's how it went. I suppose i'll be waxing at some point between now and when I go to Orillia. Which will be difficult because my mom does not work at all for the rest of the week as far as I know. -_- Hello bathroom fan, please hide my screams of pain.
I haven't talked about my plans for the weekend yet...
Well, the plan is that I take the bus to Orillia at some point on Friday and come back on Sunday. Mike gave me the money needed, so all systems are go. The thing is that i'm HOPING my hair is removable before this takes place so that he can be free to touch me anywhere and not have me be insecure.
so on Friday-Sunday we're gonna sleep together every night and watch movies and make out the whole time basically. 
; D best thing. A smooth body would top it all off. If these wax thingies work... well. I'll be VERY excited.
ew, i shouldn't be writing this.

Anyways. i also finished my english exam (and furthermore, finished ALL exams.) Turns out I DID miss an in-class exam so i had to also do that afterwards. I wanted to just getter dunn, knowing that there was a chance I could see Mike, I just wanted to go home. So I rushed through the exam and didn't try.
Doesn't matter. Even if I skipped the exam, I'd pass with a pretty decent mark.
it's so awesome that i'm finally done exams. oh my goodness.. NO MORE HISTORY OR MATH OR ENGLISH OR FRIGGIN SCIENCE! oh mah gad,,.,ne;ewfjewof
i can't even comprehend it.
well i will leave you with this. this is so long.

p0ison1vy [userpic]


January 27th, 2007 (02:13 pm)
current song: Keep It Clean - by Camera Obscura

The 'date' thingie yestarday went plenty good, and now he and I are boyfriends.
I guess I'll tell you how it went...

Well I was originally told that the bus was leaving at around 2 oclock so I was going to take the quarter-after bus-- but there is no quarter-after bus (I realised as quarter-after came around.) So I called his cell phone and he said the bus wasn't leaving until 2:30 and he wouldn't be in barrie until around 3. So that gave me a LITTLE more time to fix up my hair and shit. Then I ran out to the bus stop and was relieved when the bus came. Got to the station, it was cold, and I didn't see him. Went inside the terminal, and there was a guy who resembled his pictures and he was playing with his cell phone-- it seemed just like Mike (that's his name by the way.) But I wasn't really sure, because I thought that if it was him he would've seen me and waved or something. So I just tried to walk around and get his attention that way. But eventually I decided it probably wasn't him, so I waited in the little area with the phones until the next bus came. 
I went out, saw him, he was a cuter and younger and skinnier than I thought. I was intimidated. At first he was like 
"So where are we headed?" and I was like "Well I don't know..." so we started walking around downtown and I was like 
"There really isn't too much for us to do downtown..." and he suggested a coffee shop and I was like "Well alright" but honestly-- how long can you just sit in a coffee shop talking? You probably get more privacy, and more stimulation walking around some place talking. So we decided to go to the Bayfield Mall and see a movie. We went on the bus and at first I saved a seat for him, but just as I was about to give the seat to him some gross old man sat there instead and we looked at eachother from across the bus and silently laughed. He's actually surprisingly funny in real life-- like actually quick-witted and not stupidfunny, I don't have to fake laugh and it feels weird... It's actually intimidating because now he's the funny one and the hot one. That's a deadly combination. It surprised me. He's more articulate and intelligent in real life as well. So then we went to the Bayfield Mall, walked around, all the girls leered at him and gave him random compliments, bought tickets to see Children Of Men, we occasionally held hands, walked to the Kozlov mall, played 'what-if', walked around, more girls leered at him, went to the foodcourt and talked and drank, and while we were in the foodcourt he gave me a present that he'd bought beforehand from this little shop down his street that's owned by a little old lady that he loves-- it was all wrapped and everything-- a little teddy bear with a rose and shit. I didn't know how to take it, I was appreciative, but on one hand it could've been a really lame gift to give me, a teddy bear; but then on the other hand it could just be really sweet and cute. I tried iced green tea and it wasn't bad.
So then we walked back to the bayfield mall, saw Children of Men (which was beautiful) we held hands for most of the movie and occassionally I put my head on his shoulder and then went back to the bus station in the freezing cold and snowiness. I wanted to hug him for warmth but there were times when I wasn't entirely sure if he liked me. But of course he did.
So we waited for his bus to come in the terminal and my stomach was hurting really bad because I hadn't peed or eaten since 1pm and it was almost 9pm (it was a lot like that time I was locked out of the apartment) I would've gone to the bathroom if I wasn't afraid that the bus would come while I was in the bathroom and he'd have to leave. I felt bad for acting like a silent little piece of crap at that point, but he just kept talking and giving me random funny anecdotes. Lots of funny things happen to him, sometimes I wonder if he makes them up. His bus was late and the guy at the information counter thing was an asshole.  So we went to wait for the other people to get on the bus, and he said 
"So... Do you think you could see yourself dating me?" and I was like
"... Of course." and he was like
"So... shall we start dating then?" and I said
"Of course!" because that was the only thing that would come out of my mouth at that point.
he asked the driver if it was the bus that went to Orillia, the driver said yes
So we hugged really tight and he said he'd talk to me as soon as he got home and he promised we'd see eachother next weekend and then we kissed and his lips were really soft and nice but mine were probably stiff; I kissed him real abruptly, partially because I guess I was nervous and didn't know if we were going to kiss, and partially because my I was in physical pain and wanted to run home and eat and pee. But it's okay.
And that's how it happened.
He's such a sweet, nice, considerate guy. But I'm not going to compare him to my other men or say "this is going to be the one" I'm just going to let it be... This one feels natural, and I'm going to keep it that way.
He does remind me of Jeff though... Because he's also a hot guy who all the girls want and Jeff also said really nice, sweet romantic things really early on that I had trouble believing at first, and their lips are similar. But Mike is a lot more considerate than Jeff and he's smarter and funnier and thinks more and with Mike I feel more like I'm being accepted for who I am. And also Mike is against drugs and shit and he's not one of them trendy kids.

Well, I want to hold off on the sex. That is something I want to do. Well.. I don't WANT to, but I think it's best that way. No sex until after the second week of dating. That's my new rule.
The good thing about this at least is that the bus tickets to Orillia are cheaper than those to Midland. XD I might be the one coming to Orillia next weekend. But I don't know, we'll see. If I come up I'll probably be spending the weekend, but I don't want to spend the weekend until LATER, after he's gotten more attatched to me and knows my secrets... For example, I don't think he knows that I wear makeup... erg. And also there are body hair issues that he must never experience.
And also, we all know one thing that is inevitable when two gay kids have a sleepover in the same bed... The infamous pajama boner. And we all know what that leads to... I ain't havin none of that monkey business until after two weeks. So maybe not next week, but the one after? Lol. Who knows.
So round trip tickets to orillia cost about 15 dollars...
And there are 5 weekends in a month, normally. That's 75$ a month... That's more than what I made when I was a paperboy.
And I can't get a job now because weekends are the only time I can see Mike and I'm not sure if I can just work on weekdays. But maybe I can... We'll have to see how my classes are, I mean I DO have art, fashion, anthro, world history... Those aren't difficult classes. *shrugs* we'll see. It would be good to have a job that's like sundays-thursdays as long as my homework load is very low. I could make money, get good clothes and other appearance-related shit, go to Orillia whenever I want, occasionally buy shit for Mike so that it's not just him buying everything. Ah. I like this idea.

p0ison1vy [userpic]

Possible Date 2pm+ today

January 26th, 2007 (10:34 am)

current mood: anxious

Yeah well that guy I mentioned-- he and I have been talkin a lot, gettin closer. He really likes me and shit, he tells me. I like his sweetness and romanticness and that he appreciates my good traits
He wants to be my boyfriend, and the feeling is mutual. However, I'm afraid that he won't like me when he meets me, just like that other guy back in the day who abruptly stopped talking to me after we met. But I've sent him my ugly pictures and video clips that showcase my gigantic mouth and weird shaped nose, and he still thinks i'm "totally cute" etc. so... *shrugs*
We wanted to meet on Saturday, but yestarday he found out that he has a dentist appointment then so I was like "Come on Friday!" and he said he'll see what he can do, and he said he'll let me know how it goes before noon today, and if he comes to Barrie it should be after 2pm.
It is 10:38am right now and he hasn't come online yet... Yeah. I just need at least a couple hours notice in advance so that I can get ready real good. I went to my history exam without a drop of makeup on today because I wanted to do it perfectly for this 'date' if it happens. Needless to say, this better friggin happen. If it does, we are going to see a movie (Children of Men, I hope) 
I don't know what he plans to DO while we see the movie, but I really want to see Children of Men. The director of Y Tu Mama Tambien, which I haven't seen yet but have heard is real good. A Turkish man is trying to talk to me and I don't feel like responding.

Well yeah I finished my history exam almost an hour ago and, it wasn't nearly as dreadful as I thought it would be. So that's good! I've passed all my classes, I know it. And I know i'll pass English no matter what I do on the exam.  I'm not looking forward to writing the in-class essay shit though. - _-
I'm hungry but I don't know what to eat...

My brother brought his hamster over the other day for me to take care of while he's on a trip with his girlfriend. It's cute but scared of me. I really want to touch it and hold it but I'm afraid. I tried touching it once but it's hard to reach one's hand into the cage and touch what you want. I barely grazed it's fur and it started making chattery noises with it's teeth and I felt bad. Maybe it only did that though because he was sleeping when I did that.... *shrugs* I try to put myself in the hamsters position: would I want to be taken out of my nice comfortable cage by some creature that is like a 100 times my size and with a cat roaming around?
Poor hamster. So usually I just stand there and watch it.

Well regardless if this boy comes on or not, I'm going to have to start getting ready soon just in case. I probably won't start my makeup until he comes and tells me. I duno-- it might not happen. I'm not counting on it. But i'm hopin'. 
Let's get this over with. If i'm going to have a boyfriend, I want him now. He's really affectionate and tells me he's sure he'll like me when he meets me. But I'm still not so sure...

I tried to get Ariel to give me back my webcam all throughout the week but she never did. *sigh* Maybe I'll never get my webcam back.

Ugh. What am I going to wear?!
I got a whole bunch of new shirts and a hoodie from H&M the other day. I love 'em all but I don't have jackets/coats to go with some of them. Like-- this one outfit would be perfect if I just had a jacket and a scarf and/or hat to go with it... And that's the outfit I want to wear. I'm definately going to start getting ready in 5 minutes.

p0ison1vy [userpic]

heterosexuality is the opiate of the masses. join the homosexual intifada

January 19th, 2007 (12:32 pm)

I just came home from finishing part 1 of my math exam.
... Didn't do too good! I guessed on a lot of things (it was multiple choice) but I have a feeling that I guessed right.
I sorta tried studying... But I didn't understand most of the things I reviewed, I didn't understand most things in the review package... I tried to get help, but most people couldn't help me, and when they did, I'd understand it briefly but couldn't apply it on my own. I have forgotten everything! I suppose all this shit with my health has occupieed my brain and made me forget math. Tsk tsk. My brain is so convoluted. I feel like I'm getting less and less focused as the days progress.
I have part 2 of the exam next week, on an actual exam day (Moratorium started today). I skipped period 1 and will be skipping period 4 today. I've skipped SO much this week. It's great. The teachers don't care. Mr. Eastwood, however, is still an asshole about coming in late.

My cat is kinda sleeping on my lap so I've had one leg over the arm of the chair for quite a while now and i'm afraid that my circulation is being cut off but she's so cute that I don't want to move.

There's this boy. He lives like 20 minutes away (Orillia) and he likes me, he says. Thing is-- well, he's not really one of us self-aware, introspective, psuedointellectual wannabes-- he's a pretty average guy; describes himself as "nice, outgoing, fun" etc.
He started talking to me last year at some point, and back then I resisted his advances and told him we were incompatible because we don't communicate the same way (aka: I talk good and he don't,) and that he was too pretty for me and he wouldn't like me in real life and shit.
But after not talking for like a year, he suddenly sent me a really nice, sincere message on Mogenic the other day and it made me reconsider. I also decided to give him a chance because I remember him telling me that he was born in Russia and English is his second language and that's why he doesn't talk well.
But i think that might've been a lie.
But now that I've realised it might've been a lie, we've already started talking and i've gotten used to the idea of possibly having him. Conversely, I'm really reluctant to do pursue this because he is hot and outgoing and shit and i'm just a shy weird lookin kid and the last guy I met abruptly stopped talking to me afterwards... and he wasn't even hot.
I don't know, I just don't know. I don't think he's the type of guy who'd be my boyfriend even if he thought I was funny looking.
At this point i hardly care though. I just want a damn boyfriend. I was talking the other day about how there are so few boys who want serious relationships and have their priorities straight... Well here's one. 
Well, if you really think that you want ME, then I guess you can have me.

Plastic surgery should be covered by health care so that all ugly kids could get it. The world would be a much happier place. Well, except for the botched surgeries. poor guys.
My mom bought me new emery boards last night, so I've been perfecting my front teeth. I think i'm getting to the point where I'm going through the enamel right about now. I duno. I'll do it a bit more and if it starts hurtin, i'll stop. A little bit of pain is worth an awesome smile, IMO. It's amazing that for so long I was so unhappy with my smile, and all I had to do was buy an emery board for a dollar and file my front teeth down. There's actually quite a difference. I'm pleased. I only wish my smile was more gummy. I don't like how I have small gums. My smile reminds me of a skeleton. But there isn't much I can do about that.
I wish I had access to saline injections or something. *sigh* If I could inject fluids into my face, I wouldn't be insecure about meeting that boy. No no. I'd meet him and I'd smile and be happy and he'd fall in love with me.
I guess the problem with that though is that I'd need to inject myself everytime before I'd see him to maintain the fisade.
Also: I'd feel more secure in meeting this boy if I had some new clothes and dyed hair. But I'm waiting to see if my hair will fix itself... I duno. It's healthier than it used to be, but I'm not sure if it's gonna get any healthier at this point... But if I dye my hair soon, it's got to be before I meet this guy, if we decide to meet, or else there's no point. When you have cool clothes and trendy dramatic hair, people don't notice that you're not particularly attractive. Trusay.
So I guess I can ask my mom about going to get some new clothes. Foremost, I want a couple new t shirts or whatevs. Maybe a new pair of tight jeans. A new sweater or hoodie if I see one I really like. I want a little baby blue plain zip up hoodie. And/Or a bright red one.
I need a friggin job, I really do.
If something does happen between this boy and I, it'll be back to taking the bus for me. I think it's cheaper to go to Orillia than for Midland though. He said it's 10$ to get a ticket. I don't know if thats with a student discount though. I have a recent student card now, so I can hereby use it.
I just remembered that I'm 17 and it's weird.

I might go back to the doctor again soon. I duno. I might have a new concern. I want to go back EVENTUALLY. I don't know when. I went in November so it's been almost 2 months now. I think that once 2 months has gone by it's a good time to go back. I asked my mom about the culture test. She said that if i had anything worth concern, they would've found it. But i didn't tell her that I did the pee test on a day when my pee seemed fine. So i'll talk to her about that.
I'm also reluctant to go back to the doctor because i'm afraid i'll pee in the cup, and it'll be on a day when my pee is normal, just like last time. That would suck. It would be fantastic to stop worrying and get on with my life. Or at least know what's going on instead of having my imagination run wild. Sometimes I daydream about what it would be like if I had cancer, or if I died. I imagine the little slide show they'd play for my epitaph at the highschool. It would be awesome. Like a short film or something. And my last words that they'd read it would be very accusational, and I'd talk about particular students who I don't like so that maybe they'll reconsider the way they live and will try to live smarter and nicer or somethin. It would be the best one. And if I had cancer I could get on one of those CBC documentaries. And I could play the guitar and write songs and use my cancer as a means to be a little iconoclast folk singer.

I watched The Raspberry Reich yestarday and I like it SO SO much. Oh heavens. I didn't expect it to be so interesting and cool, I thought it was going to be a movie with mostly naked guys and no dialogue or something (needless to say, I did not read the description directly before downloading it.) though there were many naked guys indeed.
The movie makes me want to start the revolution! Or be apart of it! But I can't right now because I live with my mom, and my mom wouldn't let me start no revolution. I loved everything that came out of their mouths. 
Death to the capitalist insect that oppresses the people! 
Make love not idealistic war! 
It would be so cool to be one of those dudes. I would get one of those Ernesto Guevara shirts, but those are so cliche. And also: I don't know much about him other than what I read like a minute ago. Anyways!
I want to read Wilhelm Reich's books now. There are lots of books and authors I want to explore. But oh I have fines...

Better get ready and go to period 5! bye

p0ison1vy [userpic]

I finally know why adults complain about Bell

January 8th, 2007 (12:05 am)

current mood: frustrated and stuff
current song: Vulture Piano - by Xiu Xiu

It's midnight, and I have school tomorrow. I'm eating chocolate cake... And I don't care! Do you know why? Because I went to bed at 8am this morning and woke up at 3pm! 
Furthermore, my chances of falling asleep at this point are slim to none. Though I do plan on attempting it nevertheless.
Right now I just have a serious case of "I-don't-want-to-go-to-bed" Hence this entry.
Though It'll be good to shave and pretty myself up as opposed to lurking around my apartment like a big gross hairy ugg all the time.
I have done most of my History seminar! It feels good. I started it last wednesday and I just have to make a couple more pages in notes, type up a good copy, make some visuals for the presentation, and i'll be set, given that I have this all done by Wednesday. Shouldn't be too hard. Shit I need to check my mom's work schedual so that I know when to ask her to get me some bristol board. Shit she only works tomorrow and the next day and the next day she has inventory so if she gets it she has to get it tomorrow. Time to write a note. I left the note outside her door on the floor.
hm. maybe she'll slip on it when she gets up in the middle of the night to pee. I'd probably laugh really hard. As long as she doesn't fall on my cat or something.

My cat had a furball on my bed yestarday so now I have to use an old bedspread that was in a box that probably has spiders in it.
Oh and I forgot to mention that i still don't have a new modem. This is yet another miraculous moment of modem workage. The last few days I was getting really desperate to go on the internet. I just couldn't play the sims anymore! It was bad.
I've spread my seed around the sim world and eh. My babies are okay... They're not bad. They're pretty average though. Oh well. For some reason all of my babies were girls except ONE. The one boy is pretty cute though, in my opinion. Kind of reminds me of a chipmunk.  
Anyways i'll stop talking about that.

I turned 17 the other day! Last Tuesday (the day I was born on). Liz took me to the movies and we saw The Holiday, as were Liz's orders (I wanted to see apocalypto, but she flat out refused. oh well.)  I bought an emery board and filed the grooves out of my front teeth which is pretty friggin great! It didn't hurt, I might even file them some more, but I'll need to buy a new board because the one I bought isn't rough anymore. I guess I pressed to hard on it or something.
i saw a guy at the mall whom i was talking to online a bit. but i was shy so i avoided eye contact. but later online he said i'm pretty cute in real life which boosts my self esteem.

During the time my modem was broken I was trying to unscrew my camera, and I was successful but for two screws! They are impossible to unscrew. I wasn't even using the right screw driver, I don't know how I unscrewed some of them. It was like magic. That's how much I want a functioning digital camera, I awaken dormat telekenic abilities.. I need a tiny tiny star screwdriver. Or at least I think it's a star one. Do you call the ones that look like this   +   'star screwdrivers'? Well regardless, I need one of those. but we don't have one. So I'm probably just going to end up with a broken digital camera that is partially unscrewed. My intention is to fix the camera. The only problem is that most of the buttons aren't working, so maybe the electrical shit inside needs to be moved around or something. It probably fell out of place when it dropped. It's not the lense that isn't working, and it still turns on. You just can't do anything with it.

I'm a little frustrated about boys right now. I asked some boys in my city if they wanted boyfriends out of curiosity. I was almost sure they'd say yes, so sure that I didn't think it was really necessery for me to ask but I did because I wanted to see if they'd be like "Yes! and I want to go out with YOU baby. You're so hot and smart!" or something along those lines
but do you know what they said?! No! They actually said no! Apparently the majority of boys just want to fuck around, boys that seemed decent to me. What the fuck is that!
It makes me feel pretty alone.
There are already a limited number of gay kids around.
An even smaller number who are single and looking for a serious relationship.
An even smaller percentage whom would consider ME to be in a serious relationship with and vice versa.
Having a boyfriend isn't necesserily my goal and you can't rely on others to be happy but i want some friggin love and/or companionship in my life for heaven's sake.
But then I've been thinking about how short and delicate life is... Perhaps it's not immoral to have casual sex sometimes if you're responsible. What the fuck do I know about the world. Basically I think it's wrong because it undermines the value of the person who plan to have a long term relationship with in the future because you didn't have the patience to wait for them to come along, where sex would have meaning.
But not everyone is guaranteed a prince charming and maybe it's a waste of time and a little nuts to devote your life to some overly idealistic idea. I could have a disease and die before I'm 30. I know I'll have wished I lived a bit more. I don't know! I use my morals as an excuse to not do things wherein i could get rejected or hurt.

What makes going to bed even more difficult for me at this point is the fact that the internet is working briefly, and based on the pattern it follows, it should be breaking again tomorrow night or the following morning! I miss the days when I could go on the internet whenever I wanted, carefree, able to download whatever I pleased! Not having to think about what I'll do if the internet goes off.
Do you know what it all comes down to?
It always always comes to back to:
I need friends. And/or a boyfriend.

I was originally invited to sam's birthday celebration. And I was looking forward to it but then the internet went off and I wasn't sure when it was taking place, so yestarday i called her and asked when it was, and she said "...today" and she seemed in a bad mood and I got a palpable feeling that she did not want me to come. Which kinda hurt my feelings, though I understand.
It reminded me of boyfriends I've had. People who tell me they're brave enough to be honest and sincere but make up excuses when they don't want me around. I don't blame em. I do it too.
There's nothing I can do about being alone.

You know what I want?
I want a boy with eyes that are too far apart.
He might not get many boyfriends or girlfriends or whatever but I could give him all the love he needs because I think eyes that are too far apart are beautiful and it would be nice to have someone who understands what it's like to be constantly rejected and when i daydream about this he of course likes good music and movies too and we could live happily ever after like that or until we can't stand eachother anymore.
I can't find a water bottle and I need one for tomorrow. I hope I remember to look more for one before I try to sleep.
Yep, daydreams of boys with far apart eyes await